Page 43 of People Change

Once up the steps, they walked along the woodland bank. Trees lined each side, the floor stuck with dried mud, brokentree trunks and fallen branches. An older man was walking a dog ahead of them. The dog was carrying a large branch, almost bigger than the animal itself, and the owner was trying to wrestle it out of its mouth. Shirin and Kian walked around this tug-of-war. He gave Shirin a quick glance and saw she was trying not to laugh, the heaviness in her expression lightened somewhat now. But he knew something was up. He knew her now, could sense when something wasn’t right with her.

‘Is everything okay with you?’ he asked.

‘Did you not hear or are you pretending not to know?’ she said, not looking him in the eye.

He frowned at this. ‘What?’

She revealed what Rob had told everyone, though because Kian was on the outskirts of the groups at North Oak he hadn’t heard the rumours that were being spread. When she spoke he noticed her eyes fill, ever so slightly, with each word, each sentence. She was trying to hold it together, and he wanted her to know she didn’t have to do that around him. Unadulterated anger swirled within him, rendering him momentarily speechless when she had finished.

He swore under his breath, before taking hold of her hand. She seemed surprised by this but didn’t pull away. He was surprised by his instinct to hold her too, but squeezed her hand. It was soft within his, small and warm. ‘He’s a worthless prick. I’m sorry, Shirin.’

She looked at him briefly and looked away towards the bridge, a lone tear trickling down her face, which she speedily wiped away.

‘I’ll talk to him,’ Kian said, his voice strong.

She turned back to him, mouth ajar before she snapped it shut. ‘No, you won’t,’ she said. ‘It’s dying down. I don’t want to make it worse.’

‘But Rob can’t just go around lying about you because you weren’t interested in him – that’s fucked up.’

‘I know, but we’ve only got six months left of school and I just want it to go by as painlessly as possible,’ she said. They were nearing the river now. The Humber Bridge stood before them; the sky a striking blue behind it, the river mirroring the blue so that it looked refreshing, as though to set foot in the river would be an enjoyable experience, rather than absolutely rank. ‘I’m glad you see that it’s messed up though. Phoebe keeps telling me I should see the funny side.’

‘What?’ He hadn’t had many interactions with Phoebe but, from what he’d seen of her, she’d seemed like a rational, sane human being, but now he questioned his initial assessment.

Shirin shrugged and let out a deep sigh. ‘I think people feel I’m someone to be laughed at and not taken seriously, you know?’

‘I don’t think that,’ he said.

‘I know,’ she said. ‘It’s one of the things I like about you.’

When they were close to the river, Kian bent to collect a selection of pebbles, which he kept in his left hand. With his right hand he threw them, one by one, into the river, watching how many times he could make them bounce on the surface of the water. His personal best was four, though it had been months since he’d last done it.

Shirin sat on the ground and gazed up at the sky. ‘You’ve had a lot going on yourself, I can tell,’ she said.

He turned briefly and said, ‘You can?’ He then threw a pebble. It bounced twice over the water at an impressive distance.

Truth be told, Kian had been spiralling. Sometimes it was okay and he could handle the guilt about his brother going to prison, he could pretend he was fine. But it came in waves. Mehdi’s birthday had just passed. They’d visited him that week and had bought him way too many chocolate bars from the vending machine. Everyone had been teary-eyed, trying to pretend this was normal, that this was not devastating and depressing. It was probably the reason Kian hadn’t noticed the rumours going around about Shirin. Guilt about his brother encircled him and he wanted so badly to tell the only person he thought might get it, but it was fear that was holding him back. He liked Shirin so much; he didn’t ever want her not to like him back, to think badly of him, to think the same things he thought about himself.

‘Even from the way you’re standing, I can tell something is up,’ she said. He could hear her approaching, the pebbles knocking against each other as she made her way to his side. She reached out and took one of the pebbles from his open hand, and in the process her fingers brushed against his wrist. It was such a normal, simple touch, and yet he felt his heart pounding in response.

She didn’t throw the pebble, but balanced it in her palm reflectively. ‘It’s about your brother?’

‘I feel guilty,’ he said. It was the first time he had said the words aloud. She didn’t say anything, merely gave him a look, an invitation to continue. ‘That he’s locked up while the rest of us are living life.’ His throat caught. He cleared it quietly and wanted to crawl into a hole. He thought Shirin would look at him differently, but in her eyes he saw that she understood, even if she didn’t, not really. He hadn’t told her the full extent ofwhyhe felt guilty, and he still couldn’t, but he had shared a bit of himself with her and it was liberating.

‘Your brother made a choice,’ she said. ‘You can’t beat yourself up for what other people do.’

He wasn’t sure what he thought about that. It was true that his brother had chosen to intervene, but Kian couldn’t help but think he hadn’t been man enough to handle the situation himself. If he had been, he wouldn’t have taken it as far as Mehdi and no one would be in prison now.

He mumbled that he guessed so and turned to face her. They were close to each other, so close that he felt if he shut his eyes he would still be able to feel her presence. He tested this theory and he was right. He could feel her drawing closer, and her hand slowly make its way onto his shoulder.

‘I care about you, you know,’ Shirin was saying, but he could barely hear her. ‘I feel like I’ve known you ages.’ He knew he fancied her, of course he did. He valued her friendship, but more and more lately he imagined her lips on his. She had given no indication that she felt the same way, and he was about to tell himself to get a fucking grip, whenhe opened his eyes and saw a look in hers that made him think she was thinking the same thing.

‘I care about you too,’ he said. ‘Obviously.’

Her lips turned up. ‘Obviously?’ He thought they might kiss, but then she turned away from him, looked out onto the murky water and said, ‘I’m glad.’

The pebbles trickled from his hand, clattering to the ground one after the other, as they gazed out onto the water.

New Year’s Eve