Page 11 of People Change

Connor turned to Kian. ‘Becky over-exaggerates things. You’ll be fine here.’

Kian wasn’t so sure, but said, ‘I know I will.’

When he went to his first class and sat in his designated seat, head bowed, scratching at the skin around his nails, it was the wordpakithat he couldn’t get out of his head. It was so often thrown around, sometimes casually, sometimes affectionately, mostly with malice. The way Jordan had said it – like it was so repulsive he needed to get it out of his mouth quickly. Kian hated how his head continued to spin long after the moment, and how he couldn’t stop his internal berating for not defending himself. He wished he had done something to show everyone that they couldn’t just push him around or treat him like shit on their shoe. He detested how weak he was, how confrontation frightened him. It reaffirmed that he had learnt nothing from Mehdi going to prison, that even after months of rehashing the event that got his brother sent away, he still wasn’t able to defend himself.

Then the classroom door opened and a girl walked into the room. She asked the teacher if he had any whiteboard markers they could borrow, because Ms Brewin’s haddisappeared from her classroom. His teacher chuckled and said her whiteboard pensalwaysdisappeared. The girl laughed, an obligatory laugh more than anything else. She stood awkwardly, her jumper sleeves pulled down over her hands, balancing one foot on top of the other as Kian’s teacher bumbled around to find her some markers. Her gaze remained down and her dark hair covered her face, until she tucked a front strand behind her ear. Her lips were a pale pink, and the colour struck him because he had never seen someone with lips that shade before. He knew he was staring, and that was fine, until she looked towards him and they locked eyes. This continued for three beats before they both looked away quickly. His heart was beating suddenly, and it was both peculiar and embarrassing. Her eyes were hazel, so distinctly Iranian and beautiful. He doodled on his workbook until she left, and it was only when the door clicked shut and the teacher began the lesson again that his heartbeat steadied to a normal rhythm.

World Cup

Now

It is outside Millie’s front door that Shirin begins to reassess her life choices. She had niggling doubts in the morning, and as she walked with Hana from Peckham Rye station to Millie’s they only became more pronounced. She didn’t even scold Hana when they saw Abigail’s book in the window of the Review Bookshop and Hana made a gagging sound, because all she could think about was that Kian would be at the barbecue.

Millie’s house is just off Bellenden Road, the side of Peckham that is village-like, with artisanal coffee shops and clothing boutiques that are always empty. Millie lives with one other woman who is the live-in landlady, though she is rarely in the flat. So Millie effectively lives alone in a well-furnished, spacious flat, in Zone 2, with a garden. It is every Londoner’s dream and Millie is loath to ever let it go, despite Henry wanting them to move in together.

Steps lead up to the front door, which is emerald-green with a gold knocker, where they are standing now. On the doorstep is a potted plan that is gagging for water, the leaves crisp and brown.

‘Maybe this is a bad idea,’ Shirin says to Hana. She shifts her weight between both her feet and looks desperately to her friend, like she is her salvation.

‘Girl, please,’ Hana says, before pressing her forefinger to the doorbell in one swift movement. So swift that Shirin has no time to stop her. ‘I’m the true victim in this situation; I hate football,’ Hana says. ‘But I’m here for you.’

‘You said yesterday you had nothing else to do.’

Hana waves her hand in the air. ‘Same thing.’

‘And why do you have an England top on? Where’d you even get it from?’

Hana is wearing a white tennis skirt, with a white England T-shirt that she cropped, and pointed white kitten heels. She was catcalled numerous times on the walk over, and each time she told the men to ‘fuck off and get a life’. One van stopped when she said this, so for the last stretch from the station they power-walked.

‘A guy I was seeing left it at mine. It felt right to give it an outing for the occasion,’ Hana says.

When Shirin sees a figure approaching the door, she clutches the straps of her backpack tightly. This seemed like a good idea in theory, but she hasn’t actually considered what she will say to Kian. Every time she’s tried to plan in her head what she would say, her chest would go tight and she’d have to divert her thoughts elsewhere. But these are her friends, it’s her life. What is she meant to do? Avoid everyone now?

It is difficult to distinguish her anxiety from her depression at times. They come and go, passing each other in waves,settling together to make her life a sometime misery. She is reminded now of why she seldom puts herself out there. Her pulse is racing – embarrassingly, because this is arguably a mundane experience – as they wait for a door to open, and then her stomach flops when the door is opening and it is too late for her to change her mind about coming here. She quickly smooths down her black summer dress and presses her lips together to even out her lipstick, just in time for Millie to appear before them.

Millie has on a white crop top, denim cut-off shorts, and is bare-footed. They greet each other and take their shoes off by the door. In the entryway Shirin can hear chatter, and low, humming football commentary coming from the TV. It reminds her of her dad; every Saturday evening he would watchMatch of the Day, when she and her mum wanted to watch a movie. He had the monopoly over the remote, so they were never able to watch anything if it cut into his 10.30 p.m. slot. He still has a monopoly over it in fact, but now, instead of Shirin’s mum arguing with him about it, it is his new partner, Karen.

The hallway is carpeted and it is satisfyingly plush. Various framed artworks decorate the space, though none of it is Millie’s. She says sometimes it bothers her that she isn’t able to decorate her own home, but it is something she is willing to accept in exchange for an affordable, nice flat.

They enter the living room and greet Jasper and a girl he is seeing, whose name Shirin promptly forgets. She is pretty, with red, shiny hair and bright blue eyes. But Jasper is always with a different woman; he is a serial dater, believing each girl to be the one, until she isn’t.

The TV is mounted on the wall, and underneath is a console table with various snacks in coconut-shell bowls. At the back of the room, joined on to the living room, is the kitchen, with a sliding glass door leading out onto the garden. The doors are open, letting in a gentle breeze.

‘The others are outside, trying to start the barbecue,’ Millie says, rolling her eyes.

‘The others?’ Shirin repeats.

‘What Shirin means is who specifically,’ Hana adds, hands on hips. Shirin bumps her with her hip.

‘Just Henry and Dylan,’ Millie says. Shirin exhales a breath she did not realise she was holding. ‘Oh yeah, and Kian, too. He seemed particularly excited, Shirin, when I said you’d be coming.’

She notices Hana looking at her, and she knows the expression will be deeply annoying. ‘Oh, really,’ Shirin mutters. ‘Can I use your toilet?’

‘Sure,’ Millie says.

She goes to the bathroom, shuts the toilet lid and sits there for a moment. She stares at the towels hanging from the back of the door. She doesn’t know how to feel – and that’s the problem with all of this. She is constantly teetering between excitement at the thought of seeing Kian and then complete abject horror at the prospect of actually speaking to him. Her rejection of Hull was deliberate – she rarely goes back for a reason. The version of herself back then is one she wanted to leave behind, and with Kian here, she feels her former self coming back too.

After a few more minutes she leaves the bathroom and enters the living room. The boys have come in and numerous conversations are happening at once. Dylan and Hana are talking on the sofa. Millie, Henry, Jasper and his date are in the kitchen, leaning against the countertop and discussing the logistics of the barbecue. She goes out to the garden, saying hello to Dylan and Henry as she passes. Her feet are moving, but she is not really thinking about where she is going, or why, until she is outside.