Page 37 of The Mismatch

She looked around, not wanting to touch anything. There was facial hair in the basin, and an empty bottle of soap. By the toilet was a pile of magazines with naked women on the covers. Her mouth was agape when she saw this. She knew young men were the target market for such magazines, but didn’t realise people she’d studied with actually still bought them. Questions were raised about why these magazines were by the toilet, and the possibilities made her mutter ‘Ew’ under her breath.

When she made her way back to the kitchen, Magnus was chopping vegetables and putting them into a frying pan.

‘Why do you have those magazines in your bathroom?’ she asked.

He jumped slightly, not realising she was back.

He opened his mouth to say something, but shrugged, ‘I don’t know, really.’

‘Do you think those magazines are good? That objectifying women is good?’

She was reminded suddenly of Lucy – the girl he had been seeing for a few months and then dropped like she meant nothing.

He put the knife down and leant against the counter. ‘Some would argue it’s empowering.’ He looked like he was resisting the urge to laugh.

Soraya bit her lip, wishing Priya was here to deliver the perfect comeback. But then she wondered if Priya would agree with him.

‘Well, I don’t like it.’

‘OK,’ he said, and began walking out of the kitchen. She stayed there, not quite knowing what to do. He returned moments later with the magazines in his hand, raised them in front of her and then put them in the recycling bin. ‘There.’

‘Just like that?’

‘Just like that.’

‘Won’t your friends be annoyed?’

‘They’ll get over it.’ His eyes locked onto hers. Her breath caught. He grabbed her by the waist and drew her closer to him. When their lips were inches away, he said, ‘I like you.’

She gulped, her throat suddenly tight.

Not knowing what to say back – because he wasn’t meant to say that – she leant in and kissed him. He was tentative with the kiss, gentle almost, but she put her hands on his facein an attempt to escalate it. She’d rather that than feel the guilt she was feeling now.

Her brother and dad claimed men universally said whatever was necessary to get a woman into bed. ‘You don’t know what my friends say behind girls’ backs,’ her brother would say, shaking his head.

Wasn’t this exactly what was happening right now? But wasn’t Soraya a more than willing participant? In fact, worse than that, wasn’tshethe one using him?

Magnus lifted her up easily, bringing her out of her head, so that she was sitting on the countertop, his hands around her waist. He bent down and his lips met hers again. When their tongues touched Soraya didn’t think about it, but let herself enjoy the sensations that followed. She closed her eyes and turned her mind off. His tongue stroked hers, and it sent butterflies to her stomach. Her body became super-sensitive to his touch, and she wanted more. So much more.

Magnus broke the kiss. Soraya opened her mouth to protest, but his lips found her neck and the delicate skin under her ear. He kissed her ever so softly there, something he had not done before. A moan escaped her lips. This took her by surprise, and as he continued kissing her she felt warm. Her eyes fluttered shut and her legs found their way around his waist, locking him to the spot. She could feel his hardness against her. His hand travelled underneath her dress and found her breasts.

He touched them, and she was surprised by how good it felt. And then his other hand trailed up her thigh.

He momentarily broke the kiss, and all she could do was stare at him; she didn’t know how this went, or what would come next. All she knew was that she suddenly wanted it very much. She nodded her head ever so slightly. He pressed his lips to hers again and they kissed more fervently than before, his lips hungry for hers, his tongue caressing hers.

And then his fingers found her. She’d never been touched there before and just the way he brushed her made her feel as if she might explode. With him she felt arousal, whereas before him she had always been searching for it. He took it a step further, and that’s when she felt it.

Pain.

Thoughts such as ‘broken seal’ screamed at her, sudden and venomous. She almost recoiled from them. She knew it was sexist and perhaps if the act was pleasurable she might have pushed past it, but it hurt. And he had no idea because she hadn’t told him she hadn’t even touched herself there, had never put anything up there – not even a tampon – because she had always been told not to.

Then it began to feel good and her body moved of its own accord. But even then, she couldn’t let go, couldn’t enjoy it. Her mind was in a whirlwind about what it would mean simply to enjoy this man being so intimate with her, when she was unmarried, when she saw no future with him, when she was using him. Her jaw was tight, and she shut her eyes in an attempt to block out the torrent of thoughts.

It was all too much, and despite the feelings that were very much coursing through her, she remembered the last part of her mum’s sermons.

God is watching.

That thought was like a shower of ice-cold water.