Page 92 of Let's Kiss and Tell

“Can I see?” Jay asks.

This is the last thing I want to be doing right now. Reluctantly, I pull out my phone and bring up Lucy’s column. I pass my phone to Jay, and he spends the next five minutes or so reading her articles. He gives me my phone back, but there’s still confusion written all over his face.

“What kind of person, especially one that writes about sex,needs topretendto date someone?” Jay asks. “Why doesn’t she go out andactuallydate someone.”

“Maybe the same kind of person that needs to pretend to have a date for his ex’s wedding?”

“That’s different—”

“Is it?” I counter, feeling defensive. “I could’ve gone out andactuallydated someone but, hey, it’s actually not that easy to just pick someone up off the street.”

“Look,” Jay says, easing up, “I’m not trying to poke holes in this. I’m just a little confused.”

“Well, don’t be. I’m an adult and I know what I’m doing,” I tell him. “Lucy’s really something, and shegetsme and she’s beautiful, and I’m having fun, and she’s super valuable when it comes to a journalistic perspective. And she’s really beautiful. Like where am I going to meet someone like that?”

“You said beautiful twice,” Jay says.

I stop, not realizing. “Well, sheisbeautiful.”

“Okay, so let me get this straight…you’re pretending to date each other,” he says slowly like he’s still wrapping his head around what that means. “She needs you because she’s writing about her relationship, sure. You need her to go with you to Julia’s wedding, okay. So, what doesfake datingeven entail?”

It sounds absolutely ludicrous when he lays it out like that.

“We just hang out,” I say, knowing that doesn’t help make anything clearer. “We grab brunch or dinner, or go house hunting—”

“What?!” Jay laughs.

“Okay, we did thatonce,” I clarify. “But it’s just really us hanging out. She’s coming to Sadie’s birthday next weekend too.”

“Are you sleeping together?”

“No,” I say almost too quickly and then remember what happened at the club…and then at my house, and then in her car. I think of how Lucy’s hair smells like strawberries, how her skinfeels like silk, and how she was on top of me the other night, rolling her hips onto mine. I remember the feeling of her breast under my palm and the way her head fell back when I squeezed it. “No. Nothing like that,” I say.

“Okay…” Jay leans back in his chair, processing this information. “Because that would makemoresense if you two were sleeping together.”

“Are you worried because we technically work together?”

“Well,” Jay thinks out loud, “I know they don’t want employees dating each other…I don’t know what they would say about peoplefakedating each other.”

I give him an unimpressed look. “I think it’s fine.”

“Do you like spending time with her?” Jay asks.

“I really do,” I answer.

“I assume she enjoys your company too,” Jay responds, and I shrug because I would hope that Lucy enjoyed my company enough to want to spend as much time with me. “Okay, hypothetically: Let’s say you two didn’t work together…would you want to really date her?”

The question stumps me.Reallydating Lucy never came to mind. Not even for one second. I wouldn’tnotwant to date her, but I just don’t know if I’m ready to be in a relationship right now. Or maybe ever. When you’re in a relationship for almost ten years that doesn’t work out, you start to wonder ifanyrelationship will work out.

I think about this for a second longer.

The idea ofreallydating Lucy brings a slight jump in my stomach and a pulsing in my veins. Being with Lucy would mean more of what we’re doing, and I’m really enjoying what we’re doing. I wouldn’t have to hold myself back when I’m with her. I could take her in my arms, kiss her whenever I want, or tell her to her face how beautiful I think she is. As many times as I want.

“I…” I start, not knowing the end to my answer. “It just wouldn’t work.”

“Why not?” Jay frowns.

I remember the most important part of all of this: Lucy doesn’t want a relationship. She doesn’t believe in them. I think of the text message she got from some guy when she was at my house. How at the club right before she saw me, she was talking to another guy at the bar. I think of just how many men Lucy could be spending her time with—men who are confident, men who don’t push her away when she’s dancing with them, and men who don’t have complicated dynamics with their ex-girlfriends.