Page 100 of This Could be Love

“I’m not holding any mirror out to you!”

“Yes, you are. Just…just by being you.”

I felt attacked and grew defensive. “Well, maybe you should have steered clear of me then.”

“You’re right. And I wanted to. At the beginning, anyway. When I found out who you were and…what you do, I decided to stay far away.”

“What Ido?” I snorted.

He ignored my comment.

“It wasn’t so much your connection to Kay that freaked me out. It was the fact that you were coming from a world I never wanted to step foot in again. A world where performance is all that counts. And success. Where pressure isn’t a bad thing, but a privilege.”

I flinched, and he noticed.Pressure is a privilegeis what’s written on a bronze plate at Arthur Ashe Stadium, home of the US Open.The full quote isPressure is a privilege—it only comes to those who earn it.

“Yeah, I know that it’s from Billie Jean King. I used to have a poster of that in my office. Used to look at it every day. For years. But I only learned she was a tennis player a little while ago.”

“She’s a legend,” I whispered.

“I disagree with her all the same. Pressure shouldn’t be something you work for or earn. And you definitely shouldn’t be proud to feel it.”

“But that’s not what she means! She’s just trying to emphasize the positive side of pressure.”

“There is no positive side.”

“Of course there is. If you know how to work with it, it can drive you to perform at the top.”

“Yeah, but very few know how to do that. Most fall apart.” He added quietly, “Like me.”

“But you didn’t fall apart. You pulled the ripcord at the right moment, and now you’re here and…living the life you want to live. And that’s fantastic!”

“It is,” he said, but his voice had a sadness to it that concerned me. “And that’s why I have to protect it. Protect myself.”

“From what?”

“From you, Lou. Above all, what you stand for.”

I froze.

“I almost died in that world where all that matters is performance and success. And I never want to go back.”

“But you don’t have to.”

“Youlivein that world. Being together with you would mean becoming a part of it again.”

Suddenly it was like the scales fell from my eyes. That’s what this was all about. This was why he’d opened the door to his past for me.

“But you don’t have to be a part of it. You don’t have to accompany me to my matches or sit in my box. You don’t have to do anything.” I took a deep breath and almost choked, thanks to taking too much air in too quickly. “We don’t have to talk about tennis. We can…”

“Lou,” he said softly. “You said yourself that your goal was being number one in the world. And that you will do everything to reach that goal. You need someone on your side who will support you in that.”

“I have enough people on my side who support me. That doesn’t have to beyourjob.”

“But what’s left? Your entire life revolves around tennis. The sport tells you when to wake up, what to eat, where to go, how long to stay, where to sleep…”

“You knew that beforehand. Before last night. Why didn’t you say anything? When we talked about it… Why…?”

“I told you that we didn’t have any future.”