Page 61 of The One Where They Fall in Love

“Space?” she says weakly. “From the party? Or from me?” I force myself to meet her eyes, and I know she knows which one I mean. “Oh.” She takes another step backwards.

“Elle, I’m so sorry.”

“For what, Oliver?” she asks, a coldness in her tone that I’ve never heard before.

“For… for—” I stutter.

“You don’t even know!” she exclaims. “You’re blowing things up, and you don’t even know why.”

“Elle, I just can’t handle all of this right now. I can’t—”

“Yes, you can, Oliver. It’s just me. Look at me.” She steps towards me, putting her hands on my cheeks. There are tears welling in the corners of her eyes, and something else inside me breaks, because I’m the one making Elle cry right now. And I can’t even give her a good reason as to why. “Take a deep breath, Oliver. You’re okay,” she says, trying to calm my panic.

And I’m the asshole who’s pushing her away.

“I can’t do this, Elle. There’s just too much going on, with my job and—”

I can see her brain working behind her eyes. The look she’s giving me is the same one she gave me when she handed me an ice cube in my apartment and held my hands to my chest during yoga. She’s trying to figure out how to make things better, like she always does. It’s her default mode. But I can’t be her project anymore. I just can’t.

“Is this because Anne called you my boyfriend? Because if that’s what you’re freaking out about right now—” She trails off, and I don’t respond. I take a step away from her and her hands fall from my face and hang by her sides. She shakes her head, disbelief written all over her face.

“God, I don’t even know what I’m doing,” she says, turning away from me to face the street. She runs her hand through her hair, frustrated. “You told me who you were right from the start, and for a minute, I guess I forgot.” She presses her lips in a firm line, and I can tell she’s trying to stop herself from crying. “My mistake.”

“Elle, you don’t want a relationship with me. You need someone who can be there and look after you, you deserve nothing less, but right now I’m a mess. I—”

“Yes, you warned me. And I fell for you anyway, like the idiot I am.” I can tell she doesn’t want to be angry with me. Maybe she’s angry at herself that she wasn’t able to fix me. That all her grounding techniques and new experiences weren’t enough to get the wires straight in my head. I think she wishes she could go into problem-solving mode right now, because that is the way she thinks. But it’s more than that now, and I think she’s starting to realize that.

“Would you believe me if I said I was scared—”

“No,” she says harshly, a tear rolling down her cheek. Her voice pierces through me, worse than any needle or knife I could ever imagine. I don’t know how to come back from this.

“I’m not—I’m not normal, Elle,” I say, hating the words I’ve chosen right away. “I meannormalis overrated and all, but the shit that goes on in my head… Everyone sees what it does to me and walks the other way. They make faces or comments and they can’t handle it. I didn’t want—”

“You know I never cared,” she whispers, her voice cracking. “I never cared that the television remote had to be in the left corner of the nightstand before you went to sleep, or that Thor’s leash had to be hung on the third hook by the door.” She takes a step closer to me, her arms falling to her sides. “I never cared that you didn’t take the subway or that you washed your hands twice before sitting down to eat. I knew you battled things in your head that you didn’t tell me about. I hoped one day you would, because I understood you. Youknewthat.”

Her words knock the breath out of me, and it takes all that I have not to fall to the ground in front of her. She saweverything. She saw everything and she never said anything. Neverdidanything.

“Elle, it’s just… I wanted to do this right, and I can’t right now. There’s too much out of my control and—”

“Please don’t say anything else, Oliver. I don’t know who you’re trying to convince, but you’re just making stupid excuses.” She shakes her head and wipes a tear from her cheek. “Why don’t you just go home, Oliver? Please.”

“Elle—”

“This is the biggest night of my best friend’s life and I willnotlet this steal her thunder.Go home.” Her voice is barely raised, but the anger in her voice is palpable. She turns on her heels and walks back into the building, and my hands fall to my knees again, defeated.

Twenty-Seven

Elle

I tell Lucy that Oliver wasn’t feeling well and that he went home. I go to the bathroom and wipe my eyes and fix my makeup, because the show must go on. Tonight is not about me. It’s about Lucy. That’s who I’m here for.

Even so, the rest of the evening is a blur. Anne makes a speech that doesn’t totally make sense. Liam makes a speech about the “love of his life” and tears fall down my cheeks as he speaks. I’m sure people think that it’s because I’m happy for my friend. And I let them think that.

When I get home, I collapse into bed, but I barely sleep, thinking about Oliver sleeping above me. First thing in the morning, I’m standing at his door, with bleary eyes and knotty hair, demanding an explanation.

When he opens the door, I can see that he must feel the same way I do. His hair is disheveled and his eyes are dark. He’s wearing a threadbare t-shirt that I recognize as one of the ones he always wears to bed, and long shorts. I’m sure he didn’t sleep either, and I just don’t understand. If we bothfeel this way, then why are we doing this? Where did the disconnect happen?

“Can I come in?” I ask, my voice quiet. Oliver takes one hand off of the doorframe and lets me walk past him. Thor greets me and I smile for the first time in what feels like forever. Oliver takes a seat at his bar top and I stand awkwardly in the hallway, waiting for the silence to break.