Page 79 of Counting the Days

“I’m not mad—you’re not doing anything wrong—It’s just…I love you—I don’t think you realize how much I love you—”

“I love you too. I just thought—”

“I wake up every morning thinking of ways to make you smile. I want to be your partner; I want to make your life easier and better. I want you to be happy in such a deep, brutal way, it’s probably unhealthy, honestly.”

“I want you to be happy, too. Please forget what I just said—”

“I can’t forget what you just said, Rhea. You still want to have kids…. Right? Please just tell me…the truth.”

Rhea stared at the floor of the truck. “Maybe…”

She looked up and noticed his eyes were turning red. She wanted to rewind time. She wanted to go back just one minute to keep her mouth shut and ride the Ferris wheel with the man she loved.

“Thank you…for being honest. I’m just—heartbroken—hearing this ’cause I think I’ve been convincing myself you really were okay with not having kids, but part of me knew I was lying to myself and…I hate saying this so much—but—”

“Then don’t say it—”

“I just can’t keep wasting your time and holding you back from the life that would make you happy. I’ve been doing that for months, and deluding myself, but I can’t claim to love you and cause you that kind of pain. I see the way you are with kids; I see the light in your eyes.”

Rhea stayed silent as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“If you were one of my sisters, I would pull me aside and say, ‘Look, man, if you love her, you have to let her go live her life. Let her go find someone who wants what she wants—’ ”

“But couldn’t you maybe want what I want?”

“Rhea…”

“But what if you’re wrong? What if you wouldlovebeing a dad and you won’t even open your mind just a little bit? I see you with kids too, and there’s a light in your eyes too.” More tears fell down Rhea’s face, and Danny wiped them off.

“You don’t think I would if I could? If it was that easy?” he said gently.

“It is that easy.I feel like I’ve more than proven to you there’s a way to have a kid that doesn’t go against your values, so what is it? What’s the real reason, Danny?”

He stayed silent.

“Han says sometimes people are afraid to have kids because their childhood was so painful—”

“You talked toHanabout this?”

“Are you afraid of being like your father? ’Cause I’ve never even met him, and I can promise you, you’re nothing like him. You would be awonderful father. You’re so—caring and—and thoughtful and loving and patient—the world needs you to be a dad.”

Danny sighed and looked out the window. “So many people just blindly stumble into having kids without thinking about what kind of world they’re bringing them into. And I’m honestlyso jealousof them…. But I can’t have a kid and tell them, ‘Sorry there’s no more clean air or water,’ ‘Sorry you’re addicted to your cellphone and junk food,’ ‘Sorry I have to be so overprotective of you—it’s just that I brought you into a world full of mass shooters andchild molesters. Oh, and good luck figuring out how to earn a living after AI takes your job….’ I just can’t do it. This is something I’ve always known about myself, and I’m not gonna change my mind.”

“Well, they don’t have to be addicted to junk food or their cellphone, that’s up to their parents—”

“Yeah, exactly. Parenting is basicallyfighting every dayto protect your child from a toxic planet—”

“But can’t you stop being so stubborn and certain about all of it and just say ‘maybe’? I don’t need you to promise me a child today. We could freeze embryos and buy some time—a lot of time—years if we want. You don’t have to commit to being a fatherright now,but can’t you just say, ‘Maybe someday’?”

“Sure. I can easilysay‘Maybe someday.’ But what if ‘someday’ means ‘never’? Then you don’t get the life you want. I want everything good for you, Rhea. I seriously feel like I would go tryto find you a man who could give you everything you want. The idea of doing that makes me want to fuckin’ puke, but I feel like I would do it to protect you—to make you happy—I love you, Rhea. But I can’t give you this.”

Rhea wept into her hands. Danny watched with a helpless expression. After several minutes, he backed out of the parking lot. Rhea saw the pier get smaller in the side-view mirror and knew she would never in her life get to ride a Ferris wheel.

Danny drove her home. He parked vertically and walked her up fifty-two steps.

“Can I hug you?” he asked with a cracking voice.

She fell into his arms and sobbed.