Page 46 of The Starfish Sisters

From Phoebe:

Suze? Was it weird?

Suze, you okay?

Are you all right?

The air fills my head, my lungs, settles me. On top of the Starfish Queen, which is what we always called the regal middle rock, birds touch down and take flight, bringing food to others, keeping watch for hawks.

I text:I’m okay. Sorry. Got distracted. My nerves are pretty raw.

I bet. You want us to bring Yul Brynner back?

Some small part of me had been maybe hoping to go back down there tonight, but that’s foolish. I live here. I can’t go live at my friend’s house, even if I did when I was a teenager, though it wasn’t her house then. It was Beryl’s.

Sure. Joel had to go get some parts, so I have to stay here.

Jasmine wants to come over anyway. She loves that house as much as we did.

She sounds so friendly. It breaks my heart, because the whole reason I came back is to work out all the things between us, to finally tell her the truth. But instinctively, I know that the fight that ostensibly wounded our trust in each other was nothing compared to this secret, the secret I’ve kept for decades.

What would Beryl do? I wonder.

I’ll put the kettle on.

Chapter Thirteen

Phoebe

Jasmine and I load Yul Brynner into his carrier and drive him up the hill. Maui insists he needs to be included, which makes for a crowded cab. I feel weirdly happy and keep forgetting why, and then I hear Ben’s voice again, asking me out.

On a date.

I’m excited to tell Suze. She knows how long it has been since I’ve had a date or the possibility of a relationship, or even a good roll in the hay. Between caring for Amma in her last two years and the pandemic, I didn’t have many opportunities. Or desire, honestly, though I thought I’d get over missing sex with another person and I haven’t.

Jasmine chatters about the history of Ragdoll cats, about which she has written an entire page in her little notebook. I’m murmuring in response, but honestly, my mind keeps returning to Ben’s warm eyes, his big, solid body—

Oh, don’t do this!

The warning sounds in a nasty voice in my head.Don’t get your hopes up, who do you think you are, you’re too old for this nonsense, men have never really liked you, why do you think this would be any different?

A big blue truck withBLUERIVERELECTRICpainted on the side is parked in the circular driveway. I did know that Joel lived in town—I’veseen him sometimes in the store or at a restaurant, always by himself, wrapped in a weary sort of sadness that comes from life losses. His mother died during the pandemic, which I saw in theBlue Cove Crier, a weekly newspaper that comes out every Wednesday, but I don’t know anything more. I had such a wretched crush on him when we were teenagers, a crush that ended only when he was sent away for burning down the church.

Why did I always yearn for a boy, anyway? After Joel was sent away and I was in high school, I transferred the longing to Billy Mascarenes, a dark-haired charmer who had more girls than he knew what to do with, and pined for him for a full year. Finally, I had an actual relationship in my senior year, with a fellow artist named Andy who’d been in classes with me for years. We connected over an assignment to imitate our favorite artists and both of us chose comic books. We learned about each other’s minds and bodies and hearts, and broke up only when his family moved away after graduation.

But as I hold the door for Jasmine and Maui to jump down, Joel comes out the front door, a thick utility belt around his waist. He’s still good-looking in a haunted sort of way. I wonder what has left those lines around his mouth.

Seeing me, he lifts his chin my direction. “Hey, Phoebe! How are you? You guys are still friends, huh?”

I’ve been keeping her at such a distance that this is a loaded question, but honestly, how do you stop being someone’s sister? Suze is my family. There’s unresolved stuff between us, but ... “Yep. How’s it going back in Blue Cove?”

A nod. “Good enough. I was sorry to hear about your grandmother. She was one of the best people I’ve ever known.”

“She was. I still miss her.”

He gives Jasmine a kind smile. “Hello, young lady. Is this your grandmother?”

“She’s my nana,” Jasmine says. “We brought Yul Brynner back to Suze.”