Page 74 of The Replay

Evie smiles. "He was determined to make me trust him. He said he wanted to be someone I could rely on. In all that time we shared, I couldn't help it. There's a reason why people call itfalling."

"What do you guys think about that?" Nat asks in our direction.

Fuck.

Chapter 24

Mariana

The whole night I've had similar thoughts humming in the back of my mind.

Every couple here is so in love, have such trust in the future, while I… damn. All I see is my career. I'm pushing hard to claim what I want, because I shouldn't accept any obstacles. If I can keep the boat pointing in the right direction, I should one day arrive there. Right?

Except while they share their time, their space, their lives with each other, I struggle with proximity. To them, and to Dom even more. Then I go right back to living according to the rules given to me about finding happiness in my life's work. And, shit. The only risk I'm allowing myself in all of this is hoping for friendship one day.

Nat's question still resounds in the air, but I can't reply. Without warning, I'm breathless. My mind is running from me, and my heart races farther ahead than my thoughts, because maybe that's why I haven't accomplished much yet. I keep getting wound up in what success looks like to me. Changing my mind about what I want. Which sucks, because it means my parents are more right to keep an eye on me than I thought. Ugh.

Dom shrugs. "Not looking for love."

"What if it finds you?" Pen asks. "I had given up by the time I realized I had loved Bear for a long time. In a way, it found me where I should have expected it but didn't."

"If it finds me," Dom replies, "it will have to work as hard as you guys did and be just as patient. I don't know what love looks like these days. For me. No idea if I'd recognize it."

I bite the inside of my mouth. I give him a look. Maybe I'm not alone in feeling a bit of an outcast with this group of people. But it's sad that we feel this way about love now. So jaded. When it was the most natural thing for us years ago.

"What do you think about love, Mariana?" Ames asks. "You said you wanted to date casually, but that says nothing about love."

"I don't know if I see love happening for me in the future." I hide my hands under the table, so I can wrap a thumb in a hand and squeeze. Hard. "Have you heard about how people who've been happily married say they wouldn't want something bad to happen to their partner, but if it did, they wouldn't marry again or look for a long-term partner?"

"I don't even want to think about it, to be honest," Nat says.

I give her a small smile. "Well, I can't say I was happily married, but perhaps that's why I agree with the sentiment even more. My interest in romantic relationships seems to be in the negatives."

"I'm sorry to say," Evie says with a smirk, "But I don't think that answers the question about love."

I frown. "It does. I said I don't want a serious relationship."

"Someone can be in a serious relationship without love," Evie explains.

Of course. That's what my marriage was, until Henry was done.

I don't get to put it in words for everyone else, before Dom speaks.

He mumbles, "Someone could be in love and never expect it to lead to a long-term relationship."

He makes circles on the tablecloth. Another round of food is served and everyone begins to eat, prompting several compliments, but Dom doesn't seem to notice. Round and round goes his fingertip on the tablecloth.

I take a deep breath. I shouldn't infer meaning from what he said or how he said it, or what he's doing. So I sip my wine, buying myself time to think. People are waiting for my answer, despite the interruption.

"You're both right," I admit. "If I have to talk about love and love only, I would say I'm disillusioned enough I don't plan to look for it. I've learned that it's not all that it's supposed to be."

I taste the words and swallow them with another sip of my drink. They don't fit quite right, but they don'tnotfit, either.

Dom drinks.

"Meanwhile," Bear says, "I think love is the most beautiful thing in the world."

Pen kisses his cheek.