Page 115 of The Replay

She laughs. "If I'm not getting their approval, then I'll prove to them that I'm successful out of spite."

I laugh too. Yes, this is more like the Mariana I wish she'd been all those years ago. Which is dangerous, because if she's that today, could it mean she would be okay if her parents don't approve of us? Because they wouldn't. After my conversation with Mariana in the elevator, and all those little things she's said since, I've come to terms with a new conclusion. They see me as an obstacle in her life.

Honestly? I could be. If I didn't know her dreams have nothing to do with us.

"The princess abdicating her right to the throne." I smile at her. "But still fighting for her piece of the kingdom. I love that. All I ask is that when this ends and you move to the next guy and the next, you take some care of my heart. Don't break it again, Mari. It's the only one I have."

My words surprise her. I didn't measure them on exit, and I'm surprised too. But I needed to hear what's at stake for me here. The same thing that was at stake before.

If there's one thing I didn't get, it was a future with Mariana. The one missing piece to the puzzle of my life. And now, even as I have her for a little while, I can't let myself entertain the idea that it could finally happen. That if Mariana doesn't care about her parents' opinion as much, she might change her mind about her future with me, too.

"Do I really have that kind of power?" She ignores everyone else. "To break your heart? We said we're keeping this casual. I think… I know it doesn't… always feel casual between us, but we're being careful. Right? And I thought… I thought you've learned how to move on, considering how much you dated."

My friends come in, hair wet from their shower and their mood low after the loss. They focus on saying hi to their partners and leave Mariana and me alone for a while longer.

"Of course you have that kind of power." I gaze at her and re-learn her features, for when I need them years in the future. "It's you. All those dates were…"

I hesitate. I'm not sure if I want to tell the truth. A conversation like this isn't meant for a stadium suite after a loss, surrounded by people. But she looks at me with a hint of hope, and a certain fragility swims in her eyes, and I can't fathom saying anything else.

If I keep it quiet, only for us, in this casual setup, I can pretend I'm not cutting open my heart and displaying it for her.

I lean closer to her. She mirrors me and meets me in the middle.

My voice comes out quiet. "All these years, when you crossed my mind, those memories had the power to wreck my day. I'd miss you too much, and I'd get this ache in my chest I didn't know what to do with. Every time, I hoped you'd be thinking of me. Maybe feel an ounce of what I felt. Then I'd go find someone else to get to know for a while."

"That's… a lot of thinking of me, judging by how often you were with someone new."

"Mi reina, if you know that, it means you were thinking of me, like I wished for you to do."

I see the embarrassment in her eyes. It's a win for me, but also for her, because I'm confessing how much of me she still owns.

"I looked you up all the time." She gulps. "I… I missed you, too. And each time I did, I saw all the photos with all the different beautiful women."

"I was trying to work through the feelings that thinking of you drowned me in." I take her hand. "If I went out with anyone, it was because I was trying to stop thinking about you."

"That's not very kind to them." She drops her gaze to our interlocked hands. "Just like being with Henry without giving him my heart was also unfair."

"Maybe we weren't very good to any of the other people we were with. I can own that. But I never led them on. I was never mean. All I hoped for was to finally get over you."

She lifts her eyes to mine. She's trying to process my words, and unsure what to do with it all.

"And did you?" she finally whispers.

In for a penny, in for a pound. It's my time to gulp. I shake my head.

"Never quite managed." I raise our interlocked hands and kiss her knuckles. "Evidently. But we're doing things right this time, and moving on properly has to be the key we were missing, right? We can feel all these things and let it be grief, let it be affection, let it be a goodbye."

She blinks a few times, before her eyes land on our linked hands at her lap. "This time… we're not falling in love this time."

If her voice tells me how sad she is, I tell myself it's the grief I already feel, too.

We're righting our wrongs. The only real risk is if we forget our goal and get confused and let these feelings tell us there may be a future for us. Because I shouldn't be able to crave her and a life with her if I don't believe we'll have the time.

"Mira los tortolitos." Pen approaches us with Bear by her side.

Bear lifts an eyebrow her way. "I thought we were tortolitos."

"There can be many tortolitos." Pen gives her husband a quick kiss. "And they definitely look the part."