Page 95 of The Score

Now that my heart is hidden away, I should find it easier to breathe. I don't. I'm gazing at her eyes, and her lips, and I get closer, like I might kiss her after all.

"Why?" I ask.

"My body. It's acting up. It's been too long, that's all."

Yeah. I knew that's how she would explain it away.

Who knows. Maybe she's right. It's been a long time for me, too.

Fuck, who am I lying to. I'm feeling this way because of Pen. Especially when she tilts her head up, bringing our lips so close together her breathing caresses my face.

I don't kiss her. The camera flash goes off, and she blinks away the shock. I do too.

Thank God I didn't give in. If I'm to keep my heart hidden away, I need to learn to see things the way she does— a simple physical reaction. The obvious result of the moment we shared. Nature doing its thing, no emotions involved.

And, shit, I'll still hide it if I need to. Kissing her, doing more, could obliterate the little separation I'm managing between feelings and bodies. Anything we do will get drawn into a map, like new borders between warring nations. Heavily negotiated. Discussed in front of a grand jury, to guarantee it won't affect our friendship.

Until then, I'll simply be her platonic husband, taking care of her through this transition in her life. Helping her take care of her parents, plan for the surgery, and a potential career change. My heart, well. It will have to remain in its cell.

Above all, I'll remain her friend. Taking these liberties will make my decision to suffer in silence all the worse, but right this minute, I don't think I mind. Because even if her heart is not involved, she's feeling this for me. And it's been a long time for me, too.