Page 74 of The Score

"Very important consideration here for you," I say.

I'm teasing him, of course, but also trying to process all of this. At the end of the day, it's me who needs to adjust. I don't know what to do with the fact our friendship could change somehow.

Bear lets out a long suffering sigh. Like it will be torment but he'll accept it. This time.

"See?" Tamara says. "How could I say no to that face? Besides, I'm happy to report there are no apparent neurological injuries in the big guy's head. Huge plus."

Leon raises an eyebrow. "Isn't that some sort of private health information?"

Tamara raisesbotheyebrows. "You signed a waiver. I had to go through the ethics committee to date you. We went beyond these concerns when you kissed me, Sir."

He reaches across the table and caresses her face. "Admit it. I charmed you with my impressive knowledge about Chile."

I push the coffee away. Without warning, it's not sitting well in my stomach. I need a break. Maybe I'll go get water…

"Están como tortolitos," I say.

It's a Chilean saying to tease people who are very in love, whether they are together or not.You look like Turtle Doves. The birds are known aroundthe world for their little gestures that seem like affection, and for choosing a monogamous bond through their lives. So much so, it's a common saying in Spanish, perhaps around the world.

My parents used to say that to Leon and I, so he recognizes it. Of course Tamara does too. They laugh.

I manage a smile and get up. "I'm going to get some water."

I get in line. With my back to the tortolitos, I allow myself a deep breath.

The way they banter. The way he looks at her. The way she smiles back.

Worst of all, she's fun. I could like her. Fuck, I already like her.

Shit. What am I supposed to do? I should have been prepared. This was coming sooner or later. Sooner than I knew but just like I expected, too. Yet here I am, panicking because my best friend might have found the kind of love he was looking for.

It's not supposed to feel like a loss. This isn't the time for grief.

I love my best friend. I want him to have all the happiness in the world, in whatever shape he decides. In whatever Chilean package he prefers.

Wait. What? That's not very generous.

I bite my lip, get a couple water bottles, and pretend I'm not panicking.

For the rest of the evening, I manage to act like a decent friend. It's not until I'm alone in my bed at night, fighting images of what Bear and Tamara might be getting up to, that I let myself crash out.

Leon Karlsen may be falling in love, and I'm terrified.

Minus one hundred out of ten experience, not going to lie.

But I can't let it win. I'm better than this. I can't be this selfish. He deserves better from me. After all this time, I need to accept he was always going to find someone to love like this. If not Tamara, somebody else. I may need nothing but my life and his friendship to be perfectly happy. It doesn't mean he was always going to feel the same.

He's always dreamed of meeting someone that would make him feel all these things I can't give him. I can't ever be in the way of that. If I ever did, then I don'tdeserve his friendship anyway. And if I told myself I could try to be that person for him— despite all the evidence to the contrary— I'd be fooling myself. Then I would lose him fully, and that's the kind of pain I could never recover from.

If there's one thing I can do for sure, is to help him find his happiness. Even if that's not with only me by his side.