Page 47 of The Score

I squeeze his hand tight. "Then keep trying, Leon. Me? All I have to do is look at my track record. I tested myself and failed spectacularly every time. I'm never going to get it right and, you know? I think I'm finally at peace with it."

"Pen…"

"The possibility of one day figuring it out isn't enough for me, Bear. 'It might happen one day' isn't as shiny of a goal as it's supposed to be. If there are a hundred men in a jar, ninety are mediocre. Five are exceptional, only that one of them is my friend and the other is my dad. The other five? They're poison, Leon. I'm not going to risk my heart— hell, mylife— for the three percent chance I'll find someone to love like that, who will accept I suck at this stuff, and maybe choose me anyway."

"Fuck, Penélope." He shakes his head. "I can't argue against that."

"Don't argue. I know you don't feel the same way. Your odds are completely different, in any case. You're sweet and handsome and loyal and— let's not fool ourselves— you're rich. You will find the right person for you, even if I'm giving up on finding mine."

He studies me closely, his eyes searching mine. He watches me, hears me, processes my words, and lets them settle in a space I know— I know— he keeps only for me.

Fuck. My body responds to it. A desire, a wish, a dream that climbs up my limbs and takes a hold of my chest. It wraps my heart in a gold blanket, until my heart beats a different rhythm. It's a morse code, telling me a secret I'll need to decypher.

If only our kiss had felt different.

Except maybe we would have tried something romantic between us, and it would have ruined everything we had. A timeline exists where trying for romance with Leon ended our friendship, too.

In the end, that's the thought I can't stomach. That whatever other paths Leon and I might have taken could have led us to an end. If the heartbreak I'm feeling today hurts, losing Bear would end me. There's no doubt. And he hasdreams I can't live up to, if my history is any sign. It would be self-sabotage to try.

I sigh. "Having you as my friend has made me happier than any of these men I've tried to date. I have a good family and a job that's rewarding even when hard. My coworkers are great, this apartment is great, my life is great— until I think about romance. So I'll just take that part out of the equation."

Resignation tints my words, but so does hope. It expands in soft, small, but persistent waves. Such relief, to give myself permission to give up on dating. On romance. On that kind of love. It's freedom, the kind I've been waiting for, even if I didn't know.

He echoes my sigh and brings me close to him again. We're shoulder to shoulder, his hand on my face, and our heads support each other at the temples.

"All I ask," I say, "is that we're always friends. Even when you find the love of your life. Let's always be friends."

I can imagine a life without romance, but I can't imagine a life without him. This promise means he'll stick around, even when he finds what he's looking for. Even if one day he won't be as available to me, and he may have to split his time and attention between me and someone else, hell, maybe prioritizing the kids I'm sure he'll want… As long as he's in my life, I'll make it work, too. I'll just have to find things to fill up all that extra time with. There's freedom in that, too.

"Of course." He clears his throat. "Always friends. I'm fifteen years in. Why give up now? Besides, I still want to know what you wrote for the time capsule, and your mom makes the best empanadas in the world…"

I laugh and hit his arm playfully.

He takes my face in his hand more firmly. "I will always be your friend, Pen. It's the best thing in my life."

For now.

But as long as I have him in some way, I'll have everything I need.

I smile. "You're the best thing in my life, too."

He kisses my forehead. "Now what?"

"Let's watch a superhero movie or something else full of explosions and special effects. There's that new Space Bureau movie. When the hero kisses the girl, forgive me if I boo."

Later, when he says goodbye before going back to his condo, we hug again.

"I got you, Pen. I always got you."