Page 46 of The Score

"It's Sean who isn't worth it."

"I don't care about the guy."

He stiffens. His muscles are tight and in position, I don't know what for, but I imagine it's similar to how it would feel to touch him when he's on the field.When he gets on the offensive line and prepares to stop the inertia of big, heavy bodies trying to reach his QB.

He stares me down with dark eyes. "What he said is bullshit, Pen. Bullshit! You've had guys obsessed with you that would have been proud to take you out. To make you their one and only. Why wouldn't they? Anyone in their right mind would see you're gorgeous. And that you're amazing. All these guys— they just weren't good enough foryou."

"Not that you're biased or anything."

"I have every right to be biased. You're my best friend."

His anger helps. I take a deep breath, letting peace come back to me. No matter what, Bear is in my corner. In this way, I'm not alone.

I smile. "How could I ever find a good guy, when they have to contend with how incredible you are?"

He purses his mouth. "If you're really thinking of taking a break from dating, I get it. Take the time you need."

"I'm not taking a break, Bear. I'm done."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm never dating again."

He frowns. Wheels turn in his head. He doesn't get it. How could he? His dreams wouldn't let him reach the same conclusion.

"Look," I say. "I've tried. I put myself out there. I went out on dates, I gave them a chance. For what? This is where I end up every time. Crying in my bed in the dark."

One of his hands is on my thigh, and I grab it tight between mine. He gazes down at our interlocked fingers, a wrinkle in his brow.

I shake my head, all of my frustration coming out in a rush. "Dating brings so much pain. It opens you up to judgment, and did I mention how tiring it is? Let's go for coffee, let's go for a walk. I don't do dinners on a first date, I can't do this week or next, but I promise I'm not planning to ghost you. Just let me tellyou about how smart I am, but I'll never ask you a thing about yourself. Ugh. What is even the point? I don't need a man to have a good life."

"You're not wrong—" he tries. "But if this is how it ends each time, one day it won't end at all. It's the whole point of looking, isn't it? To find the person with whom there's no heartbreak. The one that makes every day worth it, because they don't want an end either."

"Have you ever felt something like that? Because I have my doubts."

"Not yet. Doesn't mean I don't think it's ever going to happen."

"You get to keep looking. As long as you want to. You deserve the epic love you want—"

"You deserve all the love in the world—"

"But I've never felt that kind of drive! At most I have been infatuated— some sort of limerence maybe—"

"None of those things are love."

"How would I know? And it doesn't matter, at the end of the day. You can't promise that if I keep looking, it will happen."

"I have to believe something in you clicks and you realize what the person means to you. Isn't that why people wait to say 'I love you'?"

I open my mouth to reply, but the words freeze halfway. I had never heard him say those three words before.

Bear keeps his beard trimmed close to his jaw. It lets me see how his throat works through a hard gulp.

"I don't know what it feels like," he says, "and I'm waiting for the day I look inside and I know what it means to be in love. What the words mean when we talk about romance… and relationships…"

He loses his train of thought for a second. I press my lips together.

He takes a deep breath. "I'm not going to say the words until I fully, truly understand how to use them right every time. It's a promise I made years ago. But I know I will never figure it out if I don't keep trying."