Page 36 of The Score

"We'll see about that," she says.

I end up counting stars, all of them fake, glued to her ceiling. I'm too aware of her proximity to fall asleep, and my body is too wired. Pen isn't the only one who's been single for a while, even if it's only a couple of years for me. My body knows it. It takes a couple of hours to convince it that I'm not about to do something new with Pen.

My last thought before darkness takes over is a reminder that she doesn't want me that way, and wouldn't want me to want her that way.

When I wake up the next morning, she has her hand on my chest again, her head on my shoulder. Her naked leg is hooked around mine… and I'm hard as a rock.

Fuck.

My body didn't process any of my warnings.

I gaze down at our entwined limbs. Whatever we did while asleep resulted in us kicking most of the blankets away. Her loose hair fans over my arm and shoulder. A tendril wraps around my neck, I think.

The small sigh of relief I allow comes out without a sound. My cock, hard as it is, rests heavy on my lower belly. I might be able to hide it. If I move gently and hide it under the thick comforter before Pen wakes up…

Eventually, the hard on has to subside. It will. It has before.

She stirs.

Fuck.

I grind my teeth. With movements oh so slow, oh so gentle, I snake a hand under the covers. I mean to create some room, but muscle memory wants to take over. For the briefest moment, it feels like I'm about to grip myself and rub one out. Like I'm about to imagine someone I can't quite see but whom I love. As if I'll use the hazy fantasy to envision the things I'd do to her, taking us to the edge over and over again, controlling and subjecting myself to all her desires in equal measure…

It's been a long time since I last had sex, and my body finds this is the best time to complain about it.

Well, too bad. Not this time. Not even casual jerking off today. Pen is in my arms, soft as she sleeps, and the images could intertwine way too easily. Not to say anything about the million other reasons this would be a terrible idea.

Fuck.Fuck.

I don't want to imagine what she would do if she knew I might have used my hand and thought of her.

The betrayal I could see on her face. The loss of trust.

With discipline I usually reserve for the field, I keep my hand away from my hard on. I lift the sheet and the comforter, creating room where I need it.

"Oh— sorry." Pen's voice comes out raspy.

She unwraps herself from me and pulls away again. I wince. I'd like to think she hasn't noticed my erection. If she does, well… I know what she would say.

Just bodies being bodies.

It helps because, to me, it's a reminder of what I've always known. She's not looking at me with romance in her heart, or sexy thoughts lighting her up. As long as I keep my hand away from dangerous places, we'll be safe.

"No worries," I say.

Listen, I say to my cock.Give it up.

"Can't blame me for what I do while unconscious." A half-chuckle leaves her, but it sounds self-deprecating.

"I can blame you a little bit," I say.

At that, she laughs. "Good morning to you, too!"

"I take it you had a good night? You must have been sleeping soundly if you ended up all over me like that."

"Right back at you. I don't remember you pushing me away in the middle of the night. And what if you pulled me close? We have no witnesses, Leon Karlsen."

My cock twitches, like it has an opinion on the matter.