Page 150 of The Score

Chapter 48

Pen

I park in the garage after another visit to the Thunderdome— this time alone. Evie connected me to Stacy, the head of Community Engagement for the Strike. She's retiring soon, and currently busy spearheading the transition to Mariana's leadership. Stacy invited me for a casual, unofficial interview. The kind that promises nothing, but could start the process.

I sigh. Getting this job would allow me a career in this field I still love, with the resources to make a difference.

Advocating for people. Connecting them to safety nets. Being a proper resource. I want it. I'm working on it. And everything else can wait.

Applying for this job has been the perfect distraction. Maybe not the healthiest way to go about it, but give a girl a break. Too many stressful things are happening at the same time. It's fine. Things are scheduled, and now I only need time.

I pass through the kitchen to the hall. My bag and keys go onto a bench. It's Monday, marking the halfway point of training camp. Bear keeps busy with that, while I focus on this job application. Then the focus will be on my dad'ssurgery and his recovery. After, it will be time for the pre-season and my official application process. Then the football season and, hopefully, learning the ropes of my new position with the Strike.

Somewhere in between, my brain is meant to figure out what the hell to do with all these love chemicals. It's been days since I gazed at Leon across the field and the butterflies arrived. At first, I thought they might migrate away if given enough time, but of course they didn't. The stubborn little bugs stayed. They're making themselves cozy and asking to be allowed into my heart. Ugh.

Bear's house is meant to be a cozy starter family home. Just enough space for a big guy, any guests he might have out of the blue, and the plans he might make with someone else. The entry way connects the large kitchen and dining room to the stairs, the front door, and a large living room on the side.

That's where I find my husband. The TV is on, and one of his favorite shows fills the giant screen. The rounded arch that separates the living room from the house is at the right angle to prevent him from seeing me, and I take the opportunity to watch him. He doesn't move. The episode he chose is one I recognize. He's watched it many times before. In it, the main characters kiss and then have a fight, because they can't be together. The rules of their workplace forbid it.

It's passionate. It's angsty. It puts this yearning look on Bear's face, never mind that he's watched it a million times before, and he knows they end up together at the end anyway.

I turn and hide around the wall. I'm breathing fast, like he almost caught me doing something naughty. He's been going through his favorite episodes again, whenever he has free time and I'm busy with my own thing. Just like when we were teenagers. Except now, when we go to bed, we have sex more often than not. Every night, he holds me. But he's escaping to his shows again, and I know it means something.

If I'm not asking, it's because I fear he'll tell me he's thinking about romance, and the stories he won't get to build for himself for as long as we're together.

Meanwhile, I'm overflowing with thoughts of romance. I should fight them, but I'm failing. The whole thing feels like a trap. Just because Bear and I kiss and sleep together and find pleasure in each other's bodies and I have loved him as a friend since forever— I am not— am I really falling—

Fuck. I rub the center of my chest with a fist. What am I doing? I can't fall in love with him and back out of it again a year from now. That's not how my heart works.

"Pen?"

His voice reaches me and I startle. I round the corner immediately and lean on the arched entrance.

"I heard you come in," he says. "But you never showed up."

The TV show is paused. He's facing in my direction, still sitting on the sofa.

"I didn't want to interrupt you." I chew on my lip.

"You're never interrupting." He smiles. "How did it go?"

I force myself to smile back at him. He makes a gesture and invites me to sit with him. As soon as I'm on the cushion to his side, he drops a quick kiss on me.

It's oh so casual. It's the kind of simple moment with a partner that I used to hope I could find for myself. It's terrifying, because it's not the kind of love they make shows about. It's not what they write fanfic about, either.

Ugh. I really need to get thoughts of butterflies and a cozy life where Bear and I are in love out of my system. Because one day, my dad will be better— hopefully. Then I'll get swarmed by puppies and Bear and I will have scratched the last official item on my list. And an indeterminate amount of time later, this fantasy will end.

"You mean with Stacy?" I ask, searching for the thread in our conversation.

He raises an eyebrow. "Yeah. Wasn't that why you went to TD?"

I nod. "It went better than expected, actually. I met Mariana."

I smile and, despite the heaviness in my chest, it's genuine.

"Did you?" A gleam of interest appears in his eyes. "And?"

She has a dark, straight hair bob and wore an amazing wide tan pant and jean jacket combo. Big loop earrings, sharp eyeliner, and sharper eyes.