Page 32 of The Catch

He shakes his head. "No need. I get it. You're in a shitty situation. With me, at least I know what I can do about it. Got to play better than ever and get that MVP. For you it's not so clear."

"Shouldn't it be clear?" My voice is critical of myself. "Shouldn't I know what to do about my business? And with Aidan, well, I—"

Losing my train of thought isn't out of confusion in that regard. It's more about the way my thoughts stumble together. My feelings for Aidan trip me up. What he did makes me feel like I regressed a decade in knowing what I want out of my life. And I hate that his actions have that power over me.

"What about Aidan?" Saint gazes at me with renewed intensity.

Of course he's wondering. Aidan just called me, and Saint watched me panic. Not to mention how my things are still in my ex's condo. Saint called him a coward once, and I hope he never ends up thinking the same of me.

Pablo studies me with a frown. He's jumping to conclusions, while the thoughts and ideas multiply in my mind. I'm slow to react.

"You're thinking of fixing it with Aidan?" Pablo takes turns gazing from me to Saint. "You two. In how many ways do you plan to surprise me tonight?"

"You did it first." Saint's dimples pop. "Surprising us, that is."

I hadn't realized it's been a while since I last saw those cute smiling dips.

Am I making him unhappy? Ugh. He keeps reassuring me, telling me he's fine with me being here, but moments like this make me worry he's not being totally honest.

I have so much work to do. Until then, I'll find ways to be a better friend.

I press my lips together. "I'm focused on fixing my business. That way I can get out of Saint's hair and find my own place."

Saint shakes his head, in a convincing show of irritation that I made another reference to being in his way.

Before I can respond to it, Pablo looks seriously at me.

"But what about Aidan? Are you… going back? I know it's not the most modern thing, but I wouldn't judge you. Repairing a relationship is such a brave thing that not everyone does. You've been together for a long time, and if you wanted to do it…"

He lets the thought fade. I know he's trying to be supportive, telling me he would accept whatever I want. Somewhere inside, I suspect his question comes from the hurt each of us carries from when our parents divorced. Fixing things can be the bravest thing, sometimes.

But making things better with someone who wronged you isn't how I'm trying to be different from my parents.

I take a deep breath. "He called me today. I couldn't face talking to him, because I was afraid of what I would do. What if he only wants to give me excuses? What if he wants me to forgive him?"

Pablo and Saint pay such close attention, I doubt they're breathing.

I shake my head. "I've blamed our parents for so long, for not at least trying to fix things. For being more focused on their lost love than on what us kids needed to hear. And I don't want to judge anyone who stays after an affair. There are so many reasons someone might choose the repair, including love."

"But do you want to fix it?" Saint's voice is tight.

"Part of me thinks I should want to." I rub my lips together. "If I want to be different from my parents I need to commit to forever, right? Push for it. I have to know what I need to make it happen. So of course I had a list of things I looked for. Things I believed were needed to have a true happily ever after."

Pablo nods. Saint doesn't move.

I shake my head. "I had those things with Aidan. I was at peace. Content. He was an artist who knew how to weave words into magic. He had this gentle,unassuming way about him. Never cocky or self-agrandizing. Humble and sensitive. Such a perfect match for me and everything I've ever wanted."

I rub my lips with stiff fingers. A wave of pain could break like a wave on the shore, right on my chest, but I don't let it.

I gulp some water down and drown the feeling. "Shouldn't I be full of misery that he ruined what we had? I've given it a month, and the suffering isn't there. I've been angry, and sad, and scared… I thought that I'd feel desolated when I heard from him and you know what I felt?"

Two pairs of focused, deep brown eyes watch me carefully.

"Annoyed," I say.

Saint gazes down at his plate.

Pablo gives me a slow, understanding nod. "I see."