Page 127 of The Catch

She nods.

"You know," I whisper, "I used to think I couldn't ask you to do this with me. That it would be unfair, because I couldn't promise I wouldn't hurt you. I thought it made me selfish to ask for more. Then I realized that no one can make that promise. We all walk into the maze hoping we will find our way out. All I can ask is if you'll hold my hand so we can walk through the twists and turns of life together. That's what you need to decide, mi divina."

Her eyes close in a renewed gesture of pain. More tears fall down her face.

"I'll give you time." I kiss her forehead, then each wet cheek.

I step away.

"What do you mean?" she asks in a thin voice.

"It works out, if you think about it. We both have to be in different places in the next little while. I'd rather do this with you. Keep talking and working through it but, since we will be apart… maybe it's what you need to make up your mind."

"Saint." She shakes her head and looks down to the floor.

I check my watch. "I can grab some food on the way to the Thunderdome. I'll get a few points with Coach Clark if I'm there early."

"Right. Yeah. I'm sorry. I know…"

"Don't apologize."

"I was going to give you food. We were going to have a nice meal."

"We'll have a chance when we're back. We can talk again. We'll know if I have to leave. You'll know about your show."

"What if I'm not meant to figure this out alone?"

"We're not meant to do it alone. Until we're back together, talk to your friends. Tell them everything. I'm not embarrassed."

"I'm going to give it my all, Gael."

"Then maybe this is another shred of proof I can give you. Let's get through this. I'm not going to give up just because of this… discussion. Or because we'll be apart for a bit. What matters is we'll come together again to give it another go."

"And if all I want is friendship?"

"Then I'll love you as a friend. Don't you know?"

Chapter 37

Saint

San José is a whirlwind of media, training, and mental preparation. I'm the player I need to be. The entertainer people expect.

No one sees the ache warping my breastbone. The way it stretches my chest in all the wrong places, until my skin feels taut around my body and a little too thin.

When I offered myself as a rebound, we agreed we'd break up. For years I told myself it had to be that way with everyone, including Ames. That I didn't know how to do anything else. I seared the belief into my brain, that I shouldn't be so selfish I'd be willing to hurt people.

Now Ames and I are the closest we could be to ending things… without having ended them. It hurts like a motherfucker.

I answer every reporter's questions while keeping my feelings contained. I smile even if it doesn't reach my eyes. When I'm eating a meal with my friends, I chat with them even as the food turns to chalk on my tongue.

She could say no.

She could say she won't let anything else matter, and choose the future we can't see. Just because it's with me.

I've worked to this point in my career for fifteen years, but this is it. This could be the start of the most important journey of my life. Or the end, before it even began.

Chapter 38