Page 123 of The Catch

I don't wait to see how he reacts, but his final nod puts an end to us.

My head held high, I go up the stairs to the entry hall and into the elevator. As soon as I enter the condo, my eyes fill with tears.

I leave the food on the kitchen island in a heap. My heart is in my throat. Without a conscious decision, I make for the piano. Aidan was probably lying, but I check the bench anyway. I pull at one edge of the seating cushion and it opens on its hinges.

The booklet is there. It's blue like his eyes, with nothing written on the front. It's worn, and memories of him writing on it come up until my eyes blur. I sit on my knees and flip through it. The song he wrote is there, right in the middle. The bridge enrages me all over again. Settled, my ass.

We weren't settled. I settled.

I don't know what to make of Aidan and his excuse. Loneliness is a word I didn't know I could use for what he and I had, but it fits. Being with the wrong person leaves you alone.

I deflate. Knowing why he did it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't explain where he and I failed. How I didn't realize that the rhythm we had was really a rut, or why he chose to betray my trust instead of fucking talking to me and telling me he wasn't happy. Beyond being a self-centered, egotistical coward, that is.

It doesn't explain how I didn't realize I was changing myself to be right for him.

Worse, I may be doing the same with Saint. Am I?

I throw the booklet into its house in the bench and close the lid on top. It's easy to let myself crumble on top of it. With my arms for a pillow, I cry.

Tears stream down my face. They wet my arms. It's the last time I weep because of Aidan, but it's not because of his cheating. It's a release of the unresolved pieces I still carried inside. I'm forced to see the thoughts and feelings pass me by. They're threads out of my mind, heart, and soul, showing me where we were, and how far I am from that these days. They entwine into a braid of hopes I used to carry with me, when I believed I had found a way to make things work no matter what. When I thought I had cracked the code and outdone my parents in one fell swoop.

Now I don't believe either.

Fuck. Could Aidan have a point? I have done things for Saint I had never done before. I found ways to be into football. His favorite foods are the real staple of the home and our cooking. Hell, they're in a small mountain on the kitchen island right now. All my friends are his friends. My clients are his teammates. The TV show is in the works thanks to what he did.

I'm afraid I'm repeating the patterns even when I told myself I wouldn't.

Failure is everywhere. Everything I set out to do in relationships escapes me. Including what I hoped to do with Saint. I'm feeling more than I planned to, and I've changed more than I thought, and the realization adds drops of acid to my blood.

I promised it would be different this time.

It's scary.

It's a mess.

Because if this is love, then I'm in real trouble.

Chapter 36

Saint

The peak of my career is brighter than I thought. I'm building to the biggest game in the sport. I'm busier than I've ever been, going for gold with training and the media. Cortisol runs in my veins, pushing me to go harder, making me fly through this time so I can land in Ames' arms at the end of it.

I've never been closer to my dreams than I am right now. That's why I smile as I ride the elevator to the condo. My heart drums against my breastbone, because while the quick meal Ames promised me is a brief goodbye, I know what awaits me on the other side.

When I come back from San José and she comes back from LA, our schedules will open up for a short while. I'll make the most of that time. I'll ask her on a date and make it special. Words I haven't chosen yet will ask her to give me a chance. If she wants to, she'll take my hand. I'll hold on to it, and never let go.

I grin just thinking about it.

The door closes behind me with an energetic click. "Honey, I'm hooooome."

I expect laughter. Maybe some music in the air. Instead, there's only silence.

I stop in my tracks. My smile cools down. I scan the condo from my spot in the entrance, searching for clues. All is still, almost with a museum quality to it, except for the piano bench. It's open, for some reason. I didn't know it did that.

"Saint?"

Ames' voice comes from the kitchen, hidden around the corner.