Page 121 of The Catch
"But— Have you heard the song I wrote for you? The radio version. I could play it for you up on the piano—"
I scoff. "No and no—"
"Listen." He takes his phone out and, before I know what's happening, a song plays between us.
The piano notes— those he composed in my abuela's keys. I remember them like a distant memory. The kind that's as solid as a cloud, and just as hard to grab a hold of.
I don't want to grab it, but it grabsme. It surrounds me and I'm forced to breathe it in. It imbues me with those feelings I used to have, when I thought all I had to do was push for it and bend for him and we'd be happy.
Ever since his album was released, I've avoided this song. Both in my mind or the radio, I've not allowed it near me. Now it's slow dancing in my ears, and stomping on my heart.
Love, dry your tears
We're settled
It's settled
I gave myself into loving someone I didn't truly love, and who couldn't love me the way I needed. Not with the respect and generosity I gave.
My shoulders come up into my ears. I'm hypertense, holding back my tears, hoping my body will shield me from all of this if I pull myself in harder. The song keeps playing, but I'm not following the lyrics anymore.
It's terrifying to think I would have kept going, oblivious, making myself believe I was with the right person. If he hadn't cheated, I would still be telling myself I had found my happily ever after. But the cheating was a symptom of how bad things were.
Should I thank him for freeing me? Never. There were better ways to realize the mess I was in.
But I still want to learn from it.
"Why did you cheat, Aidan?" I cling to the bags in my arms.
"I regret it," he says. "Everyday. I've been dating and I hate it. I miss you—"
"Stop. Don't. That's not an answer. You've never told me why you did it. That's the only reason I'm still here."
"You have to miss me too. That's why you want to know, right? I didn't mean to break your heart. I was immature and selfish…"
"I do not miss you, Aidan. I want to know why you did it so I can— I don't know. Prevent it next time. Do my part. Do better than you next time. A time when it'snotwith you. And you keep on not answering!"
"I was lonely, okay? We were busy and in a rut and we didn't— you disappeared on me. I didn't know what to do."
"Are you kidding me? I did everything to make you happy. If you were lonely, you should have told me. What does it mean, I disappeared on you?"
"We were so happy when we met. We wanted the same things, right? Or so you said. But the longer we were together, the harder it was to believe. You stopped having opinions. You never asked for anything. Did you even need me? Fuck, day in and day out, we went through the motions, but you were never there. I couldn't find you. I thought you were going to look for someone else and not even tell me."
"So you did it first? How childish! What about fucking talking to me?!"
"Alright, yeah, I went about it wrong. But we're talking now, aren't we, love? We can come back from this. I don't even care that you've done who knows what with Saint—"
"Don't you dare."
I try to take a step away but he stops me with a hand on my arm. I pull away, but it's too late. He's already talking.
"You're going to regret not listening to me. Whatever you've done with him, it will end right here with you outside of his building again. Did you think I wouldn't realize you jumped into his arms? You moved in with him like you did with me. You're changing to be more like him— jumping from one relationship to the next like he does. Even faster than before. Because he chased you, didn't he? And now you're into sports? Don't make me laugh."
"You have no idea what you're talking about."
"I saw those clips of you at the stadium. Wearing his jersey. Please. You’ve never had a jersey in your life. Now I bet you're watching his games and tracking points. You told me you hated sports. But he's an athlete, so of course now you're into American Football, too. Because he is."
That shuts me up. I have been engaging with sports a whole lot more. For Saint.
