Page 110 of Yours, For Good

I hadn't seen interest like that, coming from eyes that mirrored mine, since my mom.

Unexpected grief flooded my chest, a powerful tide that climbed up my throat. Levels rose until I couldn't fully hold it back, and tears welled up in my eyes. Even after almost eight years; even when I thought I'd cried myself out, missing my mom could still inundate me out of nowhere.

I wasn't fast enough to hide it.

Lina sat next to me on the sofa and put a hand on my back. "It's okay, take your time. We don't have to talk more about this if you don't want to. We'll give you space… or we'll just sit here and let you do what feels right."

"We're here if you want us," Vi said. "But we won't bring up the subject again if you don't want to talk about it."

A couple of tears spilled and they ran down my face; I dried them with quick fingers. The dam I kept tightly sealed had cracked and, if I wasn't careful, everything would come out all at once.

In a bit of a panic, I checked into the house through the windows. The guys huddled at the kitchen island, deep in conversation.

More tears fell, and I dried them as well.

"I'll bark and ask them to stay away if you like." Vi's voice was soft and full of understanding. "Or I'll go get Javier— just say the word."

"If you need to go for a walk…" Eva started.

All options at my disposal, and yet the same old dilemma. If there was a difference between friendship and romance, in this they were the same— they required risk and vulnerability to find closeness.

And, just like with Javier, getting closer to his friends, to the lovely people around me, could end in heartbreak, too. Friends like this was all I wanted, and all I thought I'd have. I knew I would get there with Sally, and maybe even Julia, irony of all ironies— not to say anything of all the people I had yet to meet. But even in only a day, I knew these people could meet my wildest dreams. They could be my found family, too.

What a promise, and what a risk.

A sob escaped my lips, and it turned into a strangled hiccup in my surprise. The sound was ridiculous, and a tiny spark of humor flickered inside at it.

"I'm sorry—" I managed.

More tears escaped when Lina's response was to rub my back. "No need to apologize for crying—"

I shook my head. "No, no. I'm apologizing for sounding like a choking pelican—"

"You sound however you like, honey," Lina said.

Before I knew it, tears fell down my face— and I laughed. The three of them eventually joined me until my heart was light again. It lifted me up, and reminded me of my old friend hope. Its reassurance stitched pieces of me back together.

So I told them. I opened up and trusted them with a simple version of my history. For once, I didn't wait, and didn't hesitate.

They didn't give me advice, but they listened, and said they understood. They proved that, at least on this one thing, taking risks was worth it.

And this was what Javier understood as family; this kind of support was his reality. In a strange way, it convinced me that the Javier I'd known had been real.

In between my tears, the willingness to forgive him moved up several notches all at once.

Chapter 43

Javier

WE RETURNED TO MY home in the Upper East Side and fell into a routine— we stretched time and avoided looking at the unanswered questions. All the while, I tormented myself with the plan I prepared for, and begged the powers that be that I made the right decisions.

It was easy to press pause on those doubts when I pushed deep into her.

Nora bent over the reading sofa in my library office, nails digging into the cushions. I lost myself in the ecstasy of her body. She crossed her legs at the ankles, squeezing me tighter, and I choked on my own breathing.

Half the sounds I made were out of despair, that Nora's train left for Connecticut the next day.

I retreated and thrust into her again, allowing her whimper to carve itself into my bones.