Page 11 of Yours, For Good

Crap. I didn't think she could. She didn't even know I hadn't been born into a life like hers, and that my presence in the incubator was a carefully crafted game of chess on Mr. B.'s part. No, she assumed I was there because I belonged.

At least she didn't ask about that.

Still, words came out of my mouth before I could filter them properly.

"I heard from an old friend… she failed a class and got kicked out of a program…"

"Oh." Sally cocked her head. "Well, if she failed her class, I get it."

"These programs come with requirements for a reason." Julia raised an eyebrow like her uninvited opinion was simply common sense. "She should have worked harder if she wanted to stay."

It took one heartbeat for blood to rush to my face. I had to bite my tongue not to say what sprung into my head. Work harder? Right. What about helping her harder? Did anyone bother to ask what supports she needed to pass the class?

My cheeks warm, I closed my eyes for a hot second, not to let the vision of Julia and Sally imprint in my brain. I had been right. They couldn't understand.

I scoffed. "It doesn't matter. It's fine."

Maybe I had gotten comfortable in the JGH straitjacket and had made it my own. The truth of my history was mine to share, and it would do me well to keep it tightly sealed for a while longer.

Maybe in the future I'd tell Sally but, for now? Back to a locked room it went.

Better alone and independent than placing my heart in judgmental hands. I wasn't in the practice of putting myself in harm's way.

"How's your report going?" I asked her.

Sally slumped in a dramatic way, and I let it make me smile. So I wouldn't have to think about the heavyweight concrete that had made a home in my diaphragm.

"It sucks!" she said. "I may ask you to read a section of it in a sec if you don't mind? You're so good at this stuff. Help?"

I nodded and each of us turned to our laptops.

The mug was still perfectly warm as I grabbed it and sipped from my coffee. I used the cup as a prop to look like I was deep into reading my draft.

In reality, my mind had left the place. My lungs still labored to work normally and even my throat tingled a little, like I could cry. What on earth? It sucked to be alone, but I should be used to it by now.

For alone I was, like almost every JGH student I met in my years there. What happened to Susie could happen to me, too. For people like her, like Tommy, like me… things could fall out from under us at any second.

How could people who have it all understand? The only person in my life who knew parts of my past was Mr. B., and he wasn't actually there. He never replied. He did not act like the grandfatherly figure I liked to pretend he was.

At the end of the day, I had no idea what he actually thought about me, if he thought of me at all. My emails may be letters that gave me comfort, but it didn't mean he was willing to give it.

He had been the one to put the rule in place that I would lose his support if I didn't do well in the program. And that was enough of a mindfuck to remind me I didn't have him at all.

Chapter 6

Date: September 19

To: Mr. Smith

From: Eleanora

Subject: Mr. Diary

Dear Mr. Smith,

I have treated you as a friend when you can't be one. Not only do you hold power over me in a way that true friendship couldn't, but friendships can't be one-sided. I now understand that.

You're no more than an attempt at journaling, Mr. Smith. A diary. Except that while those writing exercises can keep my secrets, I don't know what you do with them, sir.