Page 101 of Yours, For Good

I let go of his shoulders; the gentle undercurrents shifted me against him, our skin slick from sunblock and water. Yet he kept a firm grip on me and kept me close.

I extended my arms to my sides, and treaded water as I watched him. He searched my eyes, tracking my every gesture.

Tenderness for him echoed the movement of the water around us, and how it drove the small waves breaking on the shore. It rocked me the same way the lake did.

I must have shown some of it on my face. Javier surrounded me in his arms, bringing me even closer, until I rested my body on the length of his. His hands splayed on my back.

He gave me a tentative, languid kiss. The soft, warm feeling in my chest expanded. When it reached the parts of my brain that put words into my thoughts, translating emotions into labels seemed easy for once.

I cherished Javier. The past few days playing pretend, like we were a couple ready to establish long term love, were easy to believe. Yet they required courage like I didn't know I had.

Even if our feelings never changed, he hurt me, and we were still working through it. Magical dancing and sweet nights together aside, a few days in New York didn't guarantee a happily ever after for us.

New feelings joined the mix and swirled inside; they pulled from the heightened emotions from the past couple of weeks. Amidst everything, a whisper of truth: I wanted a happily ever after with Javier. It coiled at the base of my spine, springing up my backbone and entwining with it like ivy up a wall. Every new leaf sprout came to life with a twinge in my lungs, making me breathless.

Anger and hurt still lurked in the shadows. Going forward despite it all terrified me.

I opened my eyes to find Javier's focus razor-sharp on me.

"Tell me what's on your mind," he whispered. "Let me in, please."

"Are you scared at all?"

The question fell from my lips in a whisper, vulnerable and raw in my heart. Javier's eyes turned as serious as they've ever been.

"I'm afraid," he said, "but not the way you are, I don't think. I'm not worried about what happens in a year or ten. I'm worried about not getting a chance to build something today— that you'll leave New York and whatever we have won't feel like enough to say, yes. I forgive him."

"But you hadn't been searching for this feeling either, right? You thought you'd be alone, just like I did— romance-wise. How did you get here?"

He frowned, concentration on his face. It took him a moment to put his thoughts together and, when he finally spoke, his voice came with confidence. It helped.

"No, I wasn't looking for romance, but…" two of his fingers traced patterns on my back, while his eyes remained on mine. "The words that rush from your mouth when you're excited, or how you let your laughter be sudden and loud. The random thoughts you had to put in parenthesis in your letters because they had to make it in somehow. How you went around the world in books and using a search engine. How you wouldn't let anything stop you, not even the pessimism you poked at in me until it was gone… you are a force powerful enough to move someone stuck in their ways like me. When a smile like yours shines on a cynical heart like mine…"

His murmured statements filled my heart like it were a bucket, firing it up, shifting its pattern forever. A big part of me believed him, despite my fears. It opened a door to the possibility of us and, on the horizon, a glittering mirage of what could be.

I ran my hands up and down his biceps and opened my soul to his words.

"You have changed me." He squeezed me in his arms, and started a slow circle in the water. My legs floated behind me, making me feel like I was flying. "I couldn't go back to how things were even if I wanted to and, Nora? I wouldn't want to go back."

He kept the motion in the water, taking me on a trip through the clouds somehow. He kissed me, softly, for several moments, and I let myself dream.

Cheek to cheek now, he persisted on the slow twister we created in the lake. "I believe in that future because it's all I see. I can't imagine anything else because I wouldn't fight for anything else. All I need is you wanting the same thing."

"It's hard to hold on to love," I admitted. Using the L word may have been a bad idea, but it was what we would build toward if we stayed together. "Being loved by someone doesn't mean their love is ours. It's not gifted to us. We borrow it, and we need to take care of it, nourish it, or it will go away. Even then, sometimes… it just goes."

"I may not be an expert in matters of the heart but, if love for a partner is anything like the love I feel for my friends, it doesn't just go."

"But it requires care and trust and…"

"Yes, and do you think we can build that?" His brow wrinkled with the intensity of his plea. "That's what I want for us."

"And when it ends…?"

"I have to imagine we'll live a long life. There's no point imagining we won't— though I understand why you do. Losing your mom like that…"

"Everything ended too soon for her." I gulped, my voice tittering as I stood at the edge of opening a door for Javier. A door I'd kept closed for years.

He squeezed me a little tighter, keeping me warm in the cold water. Secure, if I needed it. His eyes, the same shade of the deep water around us, shone with patience and hope.