Page 10 of Yours, For Good

I used the mortification flooding into my chest. I let it make me solid. Determined.

Max knew I wrote in my journal every night. I suspected that's why I got the guest room with a desk in his and Eva's newly renovated home, and I left my bed for the beautiful piece of furniture. Unable to enjoy the classically carved wood, I put on my glasses and opened my trusty diary.

For the next hour, I wrote every intention down; a bullet point through which to hold myself accountable. I promised to myself and Nora, I would do everything in my power to do better with every single project and program and scholarship I ran. If I had anything to do in the matter, I would make sure things turned out well for Nora, too. I would pay attention. I would witness her journey and do what I could to make her experience a bit easier to cope with. There wasn't much I could offer, not in the current set up while not jeopardizing the opportunity for future JGH students, but I would do what I could.

I just needed to find the right thing to do.

Nora

Fall was around the corner, but not much had changed when I looked out the window to the city. I had been in San Francisco for two and a half months, and it may not have been home yet, but it had started to feel familiar.

One of the many advantages of being surrounded by rich people was that the coffee in the break room was incredible. It was so velvety and it smelled so good, I might have been developing a mild dependency. Sigh. I loved it. My emotional support hot bean juice.

I poured a large cup and breathed in the rich smell. It promised an ease; a spike of that delicious focus I so needed to keep up with the program tasks. Even the scent alone brought me back to my body, and the sound of liquid hitting porcelain swore everything was going to be okay.

The feeling shattered once I was back at the working table and I opened my laptop. The taste itself turned chalky, when I read Tommy's email.

Eleanora,

I don't think I should be telling you this, since you're out of the JGH now. But Susie got kicked out— I think she failed another class. I'm not sure. All I know is she got summoned to Mrs. Lippett's office and I never saw Susie again.

I hate that Susie had to run like she was guilty of a crime. That's why I wanted to reach out. I'm nowhere near close to being at risk, but I feel like I am, and it

sucks. Knowing that you're free of this pressure will keep me going.

I didn't have Susie's email address or phone number. She was always so private! But if you hear from her, please tell her I hope she's okay. I hope you're okay, too.

One more year and I'll be done! Wish me luck.

Best,

Tommy

My arm moved in a slow arch as I put the mug on the table. I didn't have enough presence of mind to say I wanted to avoid spilling coffee on my computer— the truth was my mind had emptied out, and the whole of my insides had gone still. The way I moved came more out of shock than anything.

Susie had gotten kicked out. Tommy worried it could happen to him next. And I was free, but was I really? Shit.

If you fail, you will have two weeks to find a new place to stay.

I gazed around the workroom. All details blurred, but I had gotten to know the space well, almost to the point it felt like a second home in San Francisco. Large windows overlooked the city, with a tiny peek of the bay between the buildings. The walls were painted a modern charcoal gray, and the furniture had a sleek white sheen, except for the big center table. The incubator group could work in between meetings on the large warm wood surface, or have lunch together there too.

Or have a minor existential crisis, it seemed. Because I may not be at the John Grier Home anymore, and maybe Mrs. Lippett couldn't reach her long arm and bring me back, or kick me out… but I wasn't really that much more secure at the incubator. Nothing was mine yet.

That was why I had to focus on my business. Its mere existence was the foundation to repairing my history and giving me independence. Through it, I would help others too, so they wouldn't feel this fear. No one should ever have to feel this fear.

I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth not to shudder. Maybe I should come up with some sort of plan in case the incubator opportunity got ripped away from me. A parachute to deploy in case of emergency. Maybe I could write to Mr. B…

"Here you are!" Sally entered the break room with a bright smile on her face.

Julia followed, but we ignored each other as we usually did.

I plastered a smile on my face. "Hey— yeah. I've been here for a bit."

I hid my hands under the table and squeezed them hard in my lap. It wasn't enough. My face must have shown enough that Sally noticed my insides quaked.

She frowned. "Everything okay?"

I felt more than saw Julia's eyes dart in my direction. Not that it mattered. I held Sally's eyes as my guts warred with my heart— I wanted to tell her, seek her understanding ear, but Julia killed the impulse. Even if she hadn't been there, I didn't know that I would have trusted Sally with the truth. Could she really understand how fragile security could be for people like me?