Page 113 of Yours, Finally

Vi: I won't have much of a chance this afternoon :(

Jake: Soon. I won't let this go any longer than I have to.

Jake

I took a few hours off work after my session with Vanessa. Attempting to work was useless, when I couldn't see Vi, and I needed to process what I had learned with urgency.

The curtains were drawn closed when I entered my music room, but I left them as they were. I opened a new music project on my computer screen, threw my suit jacket on the sofa behind me, and sat at the keyboard.

I tested my system by pressing a random key. A single note appeared on the screen. Assuming everything was in order, I let myself forget about everything but the session, while my fingers tested experimental chords and patterns.

Finally being with Vi and hiding it had been the first trigger. Doing something wrong woke up a pattern I was in more often than not, whether I knew it or not.

Despite all the work I had done over the years, I still defaulted to walking on eggshells at the first hint of trouble.

The Sotomayors had never acted like my own parents, but I still expected them to respond the same way when I made mistakes. Keeping myself in control was an effort to not cause them to turn into the people my parents had been. If I showed them how good I could be, they would keep on loving me.

A little child part of me still cowered at the thought of doing the wrong thing and making bad things happen.

My fingers moved over the keyboard, trying pieces of a melody, improvising motifs. It would all be recorded for laterstudy; if I found useful bits later, they might make it into a tune. Good ones could inspire a whole song.

Engaging my brain that way put me in a mental flow state. It helped keep my emotions manageable, and my thoughts clear. Vanessa suspected it helped me integrate the results of our sessions smoothly into my subconscious.

I needed that, especially when putting all the pieces together of the past few days— weeks— fuck,years. What all of it meant. How I would tackle the challenge in time for the deadline I had agreed to. The party was in two days, and I had told Vi we would be out by then.

We would be. If it was up to me, it wouldn't go beyond that night.

It shouldn't be a problem. Vanessa had helped me unfuck myself, and I had learned valuable information. Vi had been right, I had been angry when Andrew showed up, but that didn't make me an angry person. The problem was that my own anger was a trigger. It made me feel like an awful person, worthless, because anger seemed like the thing dangerous people did. Like my father.

Vi hadn't been scared of it. I had been. But even in the liminal state I was in, I had held back. I hadn't been violent, and it set me apart from people like my father.

Without knowing it, Vi had been right about that, too. She had helped me, even if neither of us knew it.

Fuck, I loved her. I wouldn't let myself mess that up. I would stop thinking with the scared child living inside of me. He needed a hug and to see we could be loved even when we made mistakes, but I would handle everything.

I had a deadline, and I needed a plan.

Jake

I sat on the sofa in Gabe's office, alone and counting through my breathing. I wasn't anywhere near dysregulating again, but a bit of preventative measures wouldn't hurt.

Solange, Gabe's assistant, had let me into his office while Gabe wrapped up a meeting elsewhere. Based on the chat with Solange, the brief texts Gabe and I had exchanged, and the time on my watch, my best friend would arrive any second.

My heart did a quick little flutter, and I took a deep breath with my eyes closed.

"Jake?"

I opened my eyes to find Gabe standing still by the door.

I unfurled my body into standing. "Hey."

Gabe frowned and, with slow movements, closed the door behind him. I had taken the liberty of setting his glass wall to opaque earlier, and he made no comment.

"I got your text." He approached me, but stayed some ways away in the middle of the office. "You wanted to talk?"

He considered me with worry on his brow.

I gulped. "Yes. Do you have some time? It's important."