Page 79 of Yours, For Now

But I heard him take a deep breath and remain immobile, just like I did. I don't know who fell asleep first, but I suspected that both of us were dealing with thoughts and longing well into the night.

Chapter 23

Iwokeupafew times during the night, never for long. The first time I did, Gabe's arms were around me, the room had been dark, and I had been half-asleep. In that hazy state, it was easy to let myself melt into the embrace, and sleep with the warmth of him all around me. Next time I woke up, I was using his arm as a pillow, and one of mine was around his stomach.

I dreamt of us rolling in bed, enjoying lazy sex in that infuriating way where you were just about to orgasm but couldn't, not by the dream alone. Gabe teased me in my dream, but I never begged, because I couldn't, even if I wanted to.

When I awoke for the day, I did so fast. Gabe was spooning me again but, instead of it being a cozy cocoon, my body lit up with awareness. His erection poked against me, and my breath hitched when I realized I had known it somehow, and my brain had filled in the blanks.

I didn't dare move, because my heart pressed the brakes while the rest of my body pushed on the pedal, asking me to give in and tear the stitches I'd sewn the night before. This was a chance to soften to him, to connect with him, stone doors still in place. Tempting, to bridge the gap between my emotions and my mind, letting my body take over and patch the chasm between reason, fear, and everything else.

The change in his breathing was so subtle I wouldn't have noticed, if it weren't because I lay so still. I didn't know if he was awake or sleeping, but the way his lungs worked faster and rugged, I guessed he was dreaming of something very much like I had been.

Want. Feeling wanted in return. Despite our goals and responsibilities, my walls, and our deadline.

"I'm sorry," he grumbled behind me. "It's a morning thing."

Of course I knew that it happened a lot for penis-owning people. But pain shot through me regardless, like he'd rejected me. The reason why I protected myself in the first place. So I tried to repair the fabric of silver around me, and looked for words to minimize the moment.

"That's a lie," he added before I could joke it away. His voice rumbled behind me. "It's you. I'm attracted to you. But you don't have to— we don't—" he sighed. "I'm sorry."

He made to give me space, his arm leaving my tummy and waist, but I grabbed his hand and held him in place. My heart lodged in my throat, and the shaky organ attempted to jam the brakes into my chest, but my body fell into the inertia of the moment, pedal to the floor at full speed.

"I'm attracted to you, too," I admitted. "I'm glad I'm not alone in that."

Gabe released a gust of air that caressed my neck, my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. "I haven't been with anyone since Essie, and being so close to you, kissing you… I'm suddenly starving."

Blood drummed in my veins. My body took command, and I pushed my backside against his erection. When he groaned, my brain aligned with my body and overruled my heart.

I couldn't open the door to the soul of who I was, but I could open a window.

"It's natural we feel this way." I let my fingers travel up his arm and to his body behind me, and I put my hand on his hip. I dug my nails into him, thankful for the light padding around his form, letting me feel like I could grab him to stay right next to me. "We've focused too hard on work and neglected connection. And now it feels like it could be right there for the taking, and our bodies know it. Because this is what it could feel like, and this is what would happen, if this were real."

He didn't answer right away; his hand advanced up my tummy and under my shirt, discovering the hills of my body, and stopping right at the swell of my breasts.

"If this were real," he said, his voice low and deep like thunder, his thumb caressing the underside of my breast, "this is where you would get to know a whole different side of me. And I don't know we should do that, when we have only two weeks left, and then we have to pretend we never were that into each other in the first place."

My brain knew he was right, but some ancient part of it overruled that, too. "We said we'd have today."

"Lina…"

"What would you do, if this were real." I pushed on his erection again, and he responded like he couldn't help himself.

"I… I would pin you on the bed. On your stomach." He took a deep breath. I gulped. "And I would tease your back until you were squirming under me. Then I'd put a pillow under your hips and use my tongue on you, until your writhing was too much to take and I let myself sink in you."

"I think I'd like that—"

"And I would tie you to the bed, so I could take my time and play with you and exhaust you from orgasms alone. Have you give up the fight you put up for everyone and everything, because you want me to take over. With me, you give in. Fuck."

He grabbed my breast and squeezed, and I buckled, because the idea that he craved to dominate me electrified me all over. In bed, I could let him work me up until I surrendered to him.

"But we shouldn't— I can't." The arm under my neck curled, squeezing me in a not-so-loose hold around my throat. "I don't even have condoms here. Nor the privacy for it."

"Don't give up on me, Gabe. Please."

He groaned.

"Do you want this?" I asked, the warm skin of his forearm a shock to my neck.