Page 214 of Own It

For a minute, he didn’t respond, then said, “I’m seeing more and more how my childhood affected me even as an adult. You used to tell me that shit all the time, and I thought you was crazy. Same time, I’m grown as fuck and gotta own everything I do as Rah says. I can’t be blaming my fucking father forever.”

I set my mug down on the coffee table.

“I’m glad you see it.” I kept it simple though I wanted to kiss him for finally coming out of that victim complex.

Though Josias didn’t attribute his behavior to his childhood trauma, he claimed every excuse in the book as to why he was the way he was and everything was always someone or something’s fault—never his. So hearing him actually take the blame and own up to his shit was a relief.

“I wanna be a better person and a better father.”

“I don’t think you need to work on the latter,” I spoke truthfully. Josias may have been a trash man, but a trash father, he was not.

Though I hated how he tricked me when we first met, I couldn’t imagine giving Divine any other man as her dad.

“Nah, I do. My kids should be able to see me every day, ’round the fucking clock. They shouldn’t be excited to see me, K.”

“You don’t want them to be excited to see you?” I ran my hands through his freshly twisted locs as he lay in my lap.

“I don’t. I was never excited to see my fucking mama, and you know why? Because she was a constant. She was always there. She was the best mother in the world. Maybe a little weak, but I ain’t care. I loved her. Still do. Kids only get excited to see a muthafucka they don’t see often,” he explained, making a lot of sense. “My kids should take my presence for granted ’cause they used to a nigga just being there.”

“Well you can’t change that, Jojo. You have two baby mamas, and you’re not with either of them.”

“I can’t change it, but I can be better. If I do have more kids, trust, it will be with a woman I’m married to. I can only do what I been doing with my three, but I won’t be bringing any more kids into the world recklessly.”

“That’s good to hear,” I replied, ignoring the lump I’d swallowed that felt like a brick dropping into my stomach at the thought of Josias being married to some other woman.

“And I don’t want my kids to hate me like I hate my father.”

“You hate Nate?” I frowned. I knew they didn’t mesh well, but Josias had never expressed hatred.

“I used to just dislike the nigga and think he wasn’t about shit, but now, I hate his ass. He killed my brother.”

Those last four words shocked me into silence as I tried to be sure I’d heard him right.

“Wait, huh? What brother?” I queried, wondering if maybe the Godfreys had another brother in their younger days that had died and never been mentioned. No way did he mean Zaire.

“Zaire.” Josias turned onto his back, staring up at me as my mouth fell agape.

“What? No. Nate is mean and careless, but murder? And of his own son? No⁠—”

“We got proof, Kasia.” He cut me off, rendering me speechless again.

“I—why? Zaire was harmless and . . . huh?” I was flabbergasted because out of all the sons Nate could kill, we’d could assume it’d be Rakim because they beefed the most.

While Josias, Zaire, and Ayan let Nate live and bask in his terribleness, Rakim was always the one to speak up or challenge him. Nate murdering Rakim would make sense, but Zaire? I just couldn’t fathom it. But I knew Josias wouldn’t say such a deplorable thing unless true.

“’Cause he found out that nigga killed our mother and was most likely gon’ tell us and whomever else needed to know,” Josias informed.

This was a lot of new information at one time.

“So . . . she didn’t die from a heart attack?” I curled my lip in disgust. I never liked Nate, but after beating Helen Godfrey since she was in high school, the nigga also had to take her life?

“Nah.” Josias looked off.

“What are you guys gonna do? Tell the police?”

“Street justice, baby. The only way.”

I nodded, not wanting to be privy to such a thing but knowing whatever was coming to Nate was much deserved.