Page 34 of Certified To Handle You 2

“I miss you,” she said.

Reni ain’t never been the type to just say how she felt without some attitude behind it. She either went off or shut down. That’s how we always did shit, so hearin’ her talk like this had me payin’ attention whether I wanted to or not.

“I thought I could do this,” she kept goin’, her thumb rubbin’ over my hand. “I thought I could be straight without you, but I’m not. I miss you bad, Renza.”

I looked at her, and I ain’t interrupt her ‘cause I could tell she had been holdin’ that shit in.

“I wake up and you not there. I go to sleep and you not there. Everything feel off, and I don’t like it,” she said, her voice crackin’ just a lil’. “I don’t like not havin’ you.”

I let out a breath and leaned forward, runnin’ my hand down my face ‘cause I already knew where this was goin’, and I ain’t even have the right words for it.

Then she said some shit that had me sittin’ back again.

“I wish I would’ve kept our baby.”

That right there… That was the type of shit I ain’t even wanna touch.

I had already told this damn woman how I felt about that when it mattered. I told her to keep it. I told her I was gon’ handle everything, and that I wasn’t runnin’ from that shit. I was already preparin’ myself for it.

And she still made her choice…

Now we was sittin’ here talkin’ about what could’ve been like that was gon’ change somethin’.

I rubbed my hands together and looked down for a second before lookin’ back at her.

I ain’t have no speech for that. I ain’t have no “it’s gon’ be okay” for that either. That shit was already done, and we had to just accept it.

She reached for my hand again, holdin’ it tighter this time.

“Can we fix this?” she asked. “I’m willin’ to do what I gotta do. I’ll look at myself. I’ll change whatever I need to change. I just… I don’t wanna be without you no more. This shit hard.”

I looked at her, and I could see she meant that shit. That made it harder ‘cause a part of me wished this was where we was at before everything went left. Before the silence, before the back and forth and before all that shit piled up to where we couldn’t get back right.

I leaned back again and shook my head.

“I ain’t even gon’ lie to you,” I said, keepin’ my voice even. “I’m not in that space right now.”

I ain’t say it harsh or in no way to tear her down, but it was clear enough for her to understand what I meant.

Her face fell, and she ain’t even try to hide it this time. The tears came, and she turned her head, but I had already seen it.

I hated this shit…

I ain’t never liked seein’ Reni or nobody I loved cry, and even now, with everything how it was that shit still did somethin’ to me.

I stood up after a second ‘cause sittin’ here watchin’ this wasn’t doin’ neither one of us no good.

“I’mma get up outta here,” I said.

She stood up too, wipin’ her face quick.

“Can I get a hug?” she asked.

I ain’t even hesitate. I pulled her into me, and this time she held on tighter, like she ain’t wanna let go. I felt her body shakin’ against mine, and my arms tightened around her without me even thinkin’ about it.

For a second, I let myself just be here, but I knew…

I knew my heart wasn’t sittin’ here with her like that no more.