Page 105 of Certified To Handle You 2

“I was busy.”

“You always busy,” he replied. “That’s how you end up runnin’ yo’self in the ground behind muthafuckas who gon’ keep breathin’ whether you save ‘em or not.”

I closed my eyes because those was almost the same words he used to tell me when we was together.

“They my family, Renza. I can’t just ignore ‘em.”

“I ain’t tell you to ignore nobody,” he answered. “I’m tellin’ you everybody emergency ain’t gotta become yo’ emergency. Yo’ sister knew she had a car note. Them people at the salon get paid to handle some shit without callin’ you. Half yo’ family could’ve sat at that hospital, but they knew you was gon’ do it, so they stayed where they was.”

I looked down at my hands because he was right, and I hated how easily he saw through the excuses I made for everybody.

“I’m just tired,” I admitted. “I’m tired of always havin’ to be the one who got everything under control.”

The shop got louder for a second, and I heard Renza tell somebody to give him a minute. The noise faded after that, like he had walked away from the rest of them so he could hear me better.

“Then stop actin’ like you got it under control when you don’t,” he said. “Ain’t nobody gon’ know you need help if you keep showin’ up like you don’t.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” I confessed before I could stop myself.

Renza went quiet again, but the silence didn’t make me feel judged. It felt like he was listenin’.

I swallowed and looked up toward my condo windows. “Can you come over tonight?”

The question came out low, but I didn’t take it back.

I heard one of the niggas in the background yell Renza’s name, then laugh about somethin’. Renza said somethin’ backthat made everybody get louder before he returned his attention to me.

“I’m handlin’ some shit right now,” he told me. “But I’ll slide through when I leave here.”

Relief moved through my whole body so fast that I had to close my eyes again.

“That’s cool,” I replied, tryna keep my voice normal. “I’m tryna rush you or nothin’. I just don’t wanna be by myself tonight.”

“A’ight,” Renza said. “Go inside and eat somethin’. I’mma call you when I’m headin’ that way.”

“You sure?”

“Reni, I said I’m comin’.”

I smiled a little to myself. “Okay.”

“A’ight. I’mma hit you.”

We ended the call, and for the first time all day, my body didn’t feel as heavy.

I grabbed my purse and work bag before finally gettin’ out the car. Once I made it into my condo, I set everything on the counter and slipped my shoes off near the door.

It felt quiet, but it didn’t feel empty anymore because I knew Renza was comin’.

I opened the refrigerator and pulled out the meat I had planned on cookin’ the next day. I set it on the counter, then reached for the seasonings while thinkin’ about what else I could make with it.

The little burst of energy I had wasn’t because I thought cookin’ one meal was goin’ to bring our relationship back. I knew it would take more than food and another night together to fix what me and Renza broke. Still, he answered when I called, and he listened. And when I told him I didn’t wanna be alone, he said he was comin’. That gave me enough hope to keep movin’.

Renza had admitted there was somebody else, and I didn’t like that shit at all. Whoever she was probably believed she had found a place in his life while me and him was apart, but she was gon’ have to understand that history didn’t disappear because a few months passed.

I wasn’t about to scream, argue or chase Renza around the island the way I would’ve before. That version of me had already cost too much. This time, I was goin’ to move different.

I was goin’ to show him I could be somebody he wanted to come home to without losin’ myself or turnin’ everything into a fight. I would give him space when he needed it, but I wasn’t disappearing so another woman could have him without knowin’ I was back in the picture.