Page 101 of Certified To Handle You 2

I swallowed and looked down at my hands. “I ain’t mad.”

“You hurt,” Renza corrected me. “That’s different.”

The fact that he could still read me made the tears fall harder. I wiped them again and tried to pull myself together because I hated feelin’ this exposed in front of him.

Renza rubbed his hand down his face before lookin’ toward me. “I ain’t tryna go through all that shit we used to go through. We already did enough damage to each other, and I don’t wanna wake up right back in the same place.”

“I know,” I whispered.

“And I know why you askin’ me if I been fuckin’ somebody else. Them condoms wasn’t me tryna disrespect you,” he continued. “I ain’t tryna put us back in another situation we ain’t ready for. We already been through that shit once, and I don’t wanna go through it again.”

The way he said it made my stomach twist.

I knew the abortion had affected him, even though Renza never sat down and told me exactly how. He had been there, and I knew what he saw didn’t leave his head when he walked out of my condo. Still, hearin’ him say he didn’t wanna go through it again reminded me that I wasn’t the only person who had to live with what happened.

“I shouldn’t have done it,” I said before I could stop myself.

Renza went quiet beside me…

I looked down at the sheet while the words kept comin’. “I should’ve kept the baby and let us figure the shit out. I was mad, and I thought makin’ that choice would make everything easier, but it didn’t.”

Renza stared toward the other side of the room for a long moment. His face changed, but I couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinkin’.

“I ain’t askin’ you to go back and change nothin’,” he finally said. “You can’t.”

“I know I can’t,” I replied. “That don’t mean I don’t regret it.”

He nodded slowly, but he didn’t say anything else about it.

I wiped my face again and turned slightly toward him. “I miss you, Renza.”

His eyes moved to mine.

“I miss us,” I continued. “I’m not stupid enough to think one night mean we back together, and I’m not askin’ you to move in or act like nothin’ happened. I just wanna know if we can work toward somethin’.”

Renza leaned his head back against the headboard and looked toward the ceiling for a second before bringin’ his eyes back to me.

“It don’t gotta be right now,” I told him. “I know I got shit I need to work on, and I know you do too. I’m just askin’ if we can try.”

Renza stayed quiet long enough for my chest to start hurtin’ again.

“I’m always gon’ care about you,” he said. “That ain’t gone nowhere.”

“But?”

“But right now, I ain’t tryna be tied down,” he answered. “I ain’t tryna promise you some shit when I don’t know if I’m ready to be back in a relationship.”

I nodded even though it felt like he had pushed something sharp through me. At least he wasn’t lyin’ to make me feel better. Renza had always been honest, even when the truth wasn’t what I wanted.

We sat here for a minute, and I tried to leave it alone. I really did.

“Have you been with somebody?” I asked again.

Renza turned his head and looked at me. “Do it matter?”

“I just wanna know.”

“You sure?”