Page 96 of Shattered Oaths

“Jesus,” he huffs, the sound full of disbelief. “You’re a fucking mess, Noah.”

“Thanks,” I mutter, tone dripping with sarcasm.

Killian opens his mouth but then quickly closes it again as if he was about to say something but changed his mind and I watch as his mind runs wild with questions that he no doubt has for me. He does this for at least five minutes and eventually I get tired of the tense silence and snap.

“Whatever it is you have to say, just say it.”

The bite in my tone obviously aggravates him because he wastes no time. “Are you even sorry?”

“Sorry that I lied or sorry that I did it?” I ask, clarifying.

“Both.”

I breathe a long sigh, knowing that he’s not going to like my answer either way. “I’m sorry that I lied to you, to her, but I’m not sorry that it happened. I’ll never be sorry for that.”

His jaw twitches as he clenches his teeth together, grip tightening around the bottle in his hand.

“I love your sister, Killian. I think I’ve always loved her.” My voice cracks on that last part, and I blink my gaze away from him to stare out into the trees as my eyes begin to burn.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His question is a low murmur.

Well, ain’t that a loaded question.

Running a hand over the untrimmed scruff on my jaw, I think about my answer for a moment before responding. “There’re a few reasons why I didn’t tell you but none that don’t sound like an excuse.”

“Tell me anyway.” He jerks his chin in my direction.

“Remember that day you asked me to promise I’d stay away from her?” I ask, my mind running back to that day on the lake.

He dips his head, urging me to continue. “Right before you pulled me aside, she’d been telling me about how she dreamed of having a café one day. She went into so much detail, even showing me the list of recipes she had been jotting down in her little notebook for years. And I just remember watching her, in complete awe at this girl who had such big ambitions but had been dealt such a shitty hand in life. I remember looking at her face and for the first time seeing howbeautifulshe was despite it all.”

A smile touches my lips as I think about Bella. “That was the first time I felt something. But when you pulled measide and I saw the pleading in your eyes, I knew I couldn’t pursue her. And I never did.”

I look over at him, not shying away as I admit the full truth to him. “Until the night of your eighteenth birthday party. And when I woke up the next morning, I laid there for the longest time with my eyes closed, listening to her freak out while images of your face from that day at the lake played in my mind on repeat.”

Taking a long drink from my bottle, I use the moment for a reprieve. “In my own fucked up way, I thought I was doing the right thing. I could hear Bella panicking, hell, I was panicking. She tried to talk to me that morning. And I thought it would just be easier if I pretended it never happened.God.”I drop my head back, a dry laugh leaving me. “It sounds so fucking stupid out loud.”

“I fully expected her to shut me out after that. To avoid me. But she didn’t. She just continued to come around with Daisy and act like nothing happened, but I could see it in her eyes every time she looked at me. I was so fucking paranoid that one of us would slip up and say something that I almost told you.”

“But you didn’t.” Killian cuts in and I shake my head.

“No. Because then Daisy left. You spiralled after that, Bella distanced herself and it all just got… pushed aside.” I huff, shaking my head as I make my next confession. “You know how I went after Daisy?”

Killian nods, his eyes narrowing slightly. “I didn’t just do that for you. I did it for Bella, too. Because although Daisy had broken your heart and left you without a word, she’d also left Bella. And in some selfish way, I think I did it for me as well. ‘Cause without Daisy around, there was no need for Bella to be around and I fucking hated that. I wanted her around me all the time. Paranoid or not.”

I think back to that time, remembering how Killian completely closed himself off and threw himself into work. How I felt like everything was falling apart bit by bit and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I remember the hope that bloomed in my chest when I ran into the Rhodes twins at an auction and they told me about the horse groomer called Daisy they had hired from Rosewater Creek. And how she had turned me away, no matter how much I pleaded with her to come home with me.

I shrug my shoulders. “But Daisy wouldn’t come back and so I’d watch Bella from afar instead. Watch who she hung out with and, if she was dating anyone. It makes me sound like a creeper, but the thought of her dating someone else made me sick and I didn’t understand why. So, I started sleeping around. I thought it would help me get her out of my head. You and everyone around me already thought of me as some kind of fuck boy, so I thought I might as well live up to it.”

Wetting my lips, I shift in my seat. “When Savannah started dating Hunter, Bella started coming around more and all of those old feelings I thought I had fucked out of my system came rushing back like they never left. Imagine my surprise when she started dating Justin. Fuck you for being okay withthat, by the way.”

Killian scoffs. “The fuck did you expect me to do? Stop her?”

I glare at him. “I don’t fucking know. But in what world do you trusthimwith your sister and not me? Do you know how much that shit stung?”

He shakes his head, a hand running down his face in frustration. “It isn’t about trusting you, Noah. I trust you with my life.”