Page 90 of Shut Up and Drive

When I’ve finally rounded up the courage to address the change in vibration between us, I ask, “You okay, Fina?”

She sighs and her fingers nervously draw a pattern on my arm. Out of nowhere she asks, “Why do you want me, Thane?”

I plant a kiss in her hair and take a deep, thoughtful breath before answering. “That year I broke my leg when we were kids, I was sitting in my bedroom, staring out the window at all the other kids playing outside. It was around dinnertime, and your dad had just pulled into the driveway of your house. I watched him get out of the car and walk up to the porch, just as your mom came out to greet him. She stood on the top step of the porch, and he stood at the bottom. It was the perfect setup, since she’s so much shorter than he is. They stood face to face, eye to eye. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and they hugged and kissed for a few minutes before they called you and Bash in for dinner. It made my eight-year-old heart happy to see that.

“The next day, they did the same thing. And the next few days after that too. Even if it was raining. I realized after seeing them greet each other like that every day after work for a week that it was their routine. Your mom would meet him on the porch steps, and he ran to her like he could drop the weight of the world just by being in her arms. They looked so in love. They prioritized their relationship and took just a few minutes to connect—no matter how crazy life got.

“I decided clear back then that that’s what I wanted mylife to be like. The older I got, the more I realized thatyouwere the one I wanted to kiss on the porch steps. I began to entertain the idea of you and me living in a little house somewhere in a nice neighborhood, while our children rode bikes in the cul-de-sac. After a while I couldn’t imagine that scenario with anyone else.” I take a deep breath to let the pain break open and seep out of all the cracks inside me. “Then everything fell apart. I couldn’t stand the idea of watching that dream slip through my fingers, so I turned away from it. I thought if I left first, it wouldn’t hurt so bad. But I was wrong. I never outran that dream. Then I saw you again, and everything flooded back on me like a tsunami. I don’t know how to reconcile that, or us.”

I want to burst wide open, letting every painful thing I’ve carried flow out of me until I’m empty. But when I feel Sera sigh, I stop.

Did I say too much too soon? Is she totally freaked out now, and we have a huge road trip ahead of us tomorrow that will be awkward and weird?

“I had no idea it ran that deep for you,” she whispers.

I let out a quiet chuckle to hide the vulnerability I exposed. “A bit more than just a crush,” I say in response.

“So all this time…” she trails off.

“I’ve loved you with my whole heart.”

“Nathaniel James Donnelly, you’re a better secret keeper than I thought.”

“Yeah, well. I’m not sure it’s a good thing.”

“You’re loyal to a fault, and hold onto things that hurt you just to keep those around you protected. But when is it your turn to be protected?”

I kiss her head again. “Never, if it means that you get to be happy.”

“And if what I got when you leftdidn’tmake me happy, then what?”

“Then I’d ask you whatwouldmake you happy.”

She pauses for a long moment before saying softly, “Your front porch dream.”

Chapter 39

GRANDPA’S OLD ROWBOAT

Sera

Thane’s thumb caresses my knuckles as we walk down to the lake. The last golden rays of sunshine are tickling the water as it sets below the tree line. I follow him willingly—excited even—for whatever he has planned, because the sparkle in his eyes tells me it’s going to be good.

We get to the edge of the water, and he helps me into my grandpa’s tiny old rowboat before casting off from the shore and jumping in. I sit on the bench across from his, and he rows in a smooth, rhythmic motion. The sounds of the oars coax through the water, perfectly harmonizing with the birds in the trees and the crickets in the tall grass. I take a big, deep breath in and let the moment permeate me from the inside out. The calm surrounding us is such a contrast from the torrential week I’ve had. I’m grateful for the respite.Finally.

“Where are we going, T?” I ask in a volume just above awhisper. I don’t want to disturb nature, but my curiosity gets the best of me.

“You’ll see,” he says with a wink, and keeps rowing.

“Can I at least help you row?” I ask.

“Nope. Just sit there and look pretty,” he teases.

“Keep flirting like that and I might make you walk the plank, Donnelly.”

He laughs, and the deep, velvety sound thrums in my ears.

“If I go down, you’re going down with me, Spencer.”