Page 60 of Shut Up and Drive

I look over my shoulder before disappearing into the darkness, and the fire in Thane’s eyes burns like a beach bonfire that has gotten out of control. He meets my gaze and shakes his head. My eyes sting and I’m grateful for the cloak of darkness we disappear into down the hallway.

When we get upstairs, Bradley stops me in front of the bathroom and turns on the light. “Hurry and brush yourteeth. You don’t want weight gainandcavities,” he jokes, but I don’t laugh. “I’ll be in my bunk,” he says, then shuts the door.

A few seconds after he leaves, I hear a light rapping on the door. I open it and find Thane standing in the hallway.

“You forgot this,” he whispers, holding out my neatly folded pajama shirt.

“Thanks,” I say through a sob rising in my throat, and start to shut the door.

Thane’s hand stops it gently. “I know now isn’t the time, but you and I need to talk. That guy is…” he trails off before changing the trajectory of his statement, “…you deserve better, Fina.”

I fake a smile and squeak out, “Good night, Thane.”

The door clicks shut and my throat tightens. I watch in the bathroom mirror as the tears crowding my eyes fall, not bothering to wipe them away. They splatter the front of Thane’s sweatshirt in tiny dark spots. Small sobs escape me, and I try to cry as quietly as I can while I brush my teeth and take out my contact lenses.

What I want is to stuff it all back in its box and force myself to feel nothing again. To ignore the way I’ve missed his nicknames and teasing. But what I really need is to sit with my pain and let it wash over me. It could drown me, or cleanse me, and I won’t know which until I let it in. I stare at my red-rimmed eyes and barely recognize the woman in the reflection.

How did I lose so much of myself?

I remove his sweatshirt and bury my puffy face into it, inhaling deeply one more time. The familiar scent of how his hugs always smelled wraps around me, and for a briefmoment, he’s mine and I’m his again. Life isn’t complicated or painful yet, just filled with exciting possibilities. I realize how much I’ve missed that lighthearted feeling, so I loosen my grip on the fear I carry, and allow myself the rare luxury of reminiscing about five summers ago.

Chapter 23

SKIPPING ROCKS

Sera: Five Summers Ago

The night after Thane kissed me, I barely slept. I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, listening to him breathe in the bunk below mine. Inhale, exhale, stirring the coals of my want for him with each breath. He was close enough to touch—like an expensive museum piece—inches from my fingertips, but dangerous to do anything more than admire. Our families had so much history, I knew that allowing myself to fall for him would put that whole friendship at risk. Yet there I was, ready to bet it all because of one stupid—scratch that—amazing kiss. He was worth it to me, but I’m not sure the rest of the Spencers and Donnellys would agree. I took a deep breath in, exterminated the butterflies that fluttered at his mere existing, and tried to convince myself that the kiss that turned my whole world upside down meant nothing.

I avoided Thane as much as I could the next morning, and dove right into my hammock to read after breakfast. Istole glances of him over the top of my book, wondering if he was as affected by that kiss as I was. He washed dishes with Bash just inside the glass sliding door, laughing without a care in the world. Meanwhile, my hungry heart growled like a starving lion. I read the same sentence over and over again for ten minutes, yet I retained nothing. I slammed my book onto my stump table and went for a walk instead.

I was silly to think I could avoid him, though. Our families took an after-lunch swim every day to cool off in the heat. We’d done that swim a million times, but this time was different. Before our kiss, Thane was a dream I never dared hope for. After our kiss, I couldn’t hide my blushing cheeks when he took off his shirt. I didn’t have to imagine it anymore; I knew exactly how his body felt under my fingertips, and they tingled with familiarity when I saw his abs on display. No matter how far I walked that day, or how deep I swam, I couldn’t escape the pleasant memories of how he smelled when he hugged me. How his lips felt against mine, and more so, how they tasted. Being underwater too long wasn’t the only reason I couldn’t catch my breath. It certainly didn’t help when his gaze lingered on mine, loaded with questions I didn’t want to address.

The pressure of pretending that my chest wasn’t containing a wildfire consumed me. I swam toward the dock as discreetly as I could, needing to put some distance between Thane and me before I did something stupid and the whole thing went up in flames. I climbed the ladder, completely aware that he was watching my bikini-clad body. I reached the top of the dock, hunted for a towel, and slunk toward the lake house when a buttery voice behind me stopped me in my tracks.

“Where are you going, Fina? The fun is just about to start.”

“I, uh,” I took a steadying breath, “don’t feel like swimming right now,” I lied.

“Right,” he said, circling in front of me, cutting off my path of retreat. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Operation Bisquick, does it?”

My insides swooped at the nickname he gave our kiss on the side of the road—making it something only we shared. I decided that having a secret like that with Thane was my new favorite thing, and I couldn’t hide my smile.

“No. I just…” my eyes avoided his at all cost, and I resisted the urge to over-explain myself. He stepped closer, so close I couldn’t find the words if I wanted to.

“Look me in the eyes when you say it, then,” he said, lifting my chin.

My chin may have been raised, but my eyes stayed steadily on the trees around us. “No,” I squeaked.

A laugh reverberated low in his chest. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Is it because you’re being stubborn and don’t want to give up any ground,” he teased, then he paused and his tone changed. “Or is it because you regret it and don’t know how to let me down easy?”

My eyes snapped to his. His gooey, melty, chocolatey gaze weakened my pathetic poker face. “Um, definitely the first one. No regrets here. Just—fear,” I confessed, like his eyes administered a truth serum straight to my bloodstream.

His expression softened and he stroked my jaw with his thumb. “Same.”