Page 49 of Shut Up and Drive

Luckily, my mama knows how to keep her public face on better than I do. Instead of joining me in my mood, shesqueezes me. “I know it is. I can see it written all over your face.”

My eyes begin to well up again and I stamp them down.

“Was it that horrible? We were hoping you two could work things out.”

“It wasn’t all bad. We had some really good moments. But there were some really bad ones too. It was just… a lot, that’s all. I’m fine, really. It’s been a long drive and I’m super tired.”

She eyes me suspiciously and I know she wants to prod more. Luckily for me, she gets the message and smiles instead.

“Go get some rest. I’ll wake you in an hour for dinner.”

I nod and trudge up the stairs to the bunk room. My suitcase has already been brought up and set aside, so I pick my usual top bunk with my name carved into it from when I was ten, and climb the ladder.

I lie in the stillness, the familiar smells of log furniture and old curtains filling my nose. As a child, this bunk room was full of chaos, dirty clothes strung about, and kids all over. We had a lot of late nights giggling way past bedtime with Bash, Thane, his sister Emma, and brother Jacob. Once we all grew up and out of the twin-bunk-bed stage, we wondered if our parents would remodel and put some adult-sized beds in the lake house instead. But year after year, we all congregated in our regular bunks, just like tradition dictated. When asked about a remodel, my mom said, “We are closer to grandkids now. There’s no sense in changing anything. Maybe a nice guest house in the side yard will be good for you all once you’re married.”

Later this year, the parents will make good on theirsuggestion and build a guesthouse with a few bedrooms to fit us and our new spouses; although Thane’s older siblings are the only ones married so far. Bash is engaged to Jamie, but her family has a lake house down the beach, and they stay there most of the time. So while we are here to play, we are also here to clear the property for the new construction. And for now, I’m sleeping in the kids’ room with the nieces, nephews, and Thane.

I take a deep breath in, willing my exhausted body to rest, but when Thane sneaks in quietly and takes his bunk below mine, I tense up again.

“You awake, Fina?” he whispers below me.

“Yeah,” I reply.

“Can we talk?”

“I’m all talked out for the day, Thane. Aren’t you?”

“Not when I feel like there’s still such a mess between us. I need to fix… something…”

“Why right now? Why can’t it wait?”

“Because in an hour the craziness of the trip takes over, and I’ll lose my chance.”

I hear the desperation in his voice and it tears at my resolve. “Fine. What did you want to say?”

He sighs. “I’m sorry, Sera. I’m sorry I hurt you back then, and I’m sorry I hurt you now. All I wanted to do was make things better, and I just keep making them worse. I’m so focused on the time clock dwindling down that I didn’t stop to think about how my word vomiting would affect you. Hate me if you need to. I get it.”

My eyes burn as his words come out.

“Don’t you see, Thane? Ihaveto hate you whether Iwant to or not,” I reply, lowering my voice to a whisper. “It’s the only thing that keeps me from loving you again.”

“Again?”

I scoff. “Don’t act so surprised. You knew. And you still chose to walk away. I can’t go through that again. So I think it’s best that Idohate you.”

I feel him jostle on the bed beneath me and he stands up next to my bunk’s railings. The golden light filtering through the windows glistens in the extra moisture pooling in his eyes. He blinks a few times and forces a smile. He reaches for my hand, and I reluctantly let him take it.

“I get it. Leaving nearly killed me. The longer I was away, the more I ached for you. Halfway across the world is where I fell in love with you for real, though. I had to rely on my other senses to feel close to you when I couldn’t see your brown eyes light up, or touch your soft hair that smelled like summertime. I didn’t get to feel your fingers on my chest or hear your laugh every day, but when I closed my eyes at night, you were there. Just like old times. Idefinitelyloved you before I left—that’s partlywhyI left. But it was being gone that cemented the parts of my heart that will never stop loving you. And I know that you’re not mine anymore, Fina. But I want you to know there’s a part of me that will always be yours.”

He steps backward. His shoulders droop with the weight of something he silently carries. When he sees my tear-soaked cheeks, he straightens up and pulls himself together, but can’t quite make himself look happy. I know the feeling well. Then he kisses my knuckles softly, and leaves the bunk room. I hear each defeated step as he walks down the stairs, then the back door opens and shuts. I turnover in frustration, knowing rest is not in the cards now. I jump up, climb down my ladder, rush down the stairs and out the back door. I run until I catch up with him on the trail to the lake.

“You can’t just do that, you know,” I say in a huff.

“Do what?”

“That.What you just did in there. You can’t just lay everything out on the table like that. I have a whole life without you in it now. And I workedso hard…”

Thane keeps walking and I grab at his arm in frustration. He stops and wheels around.