Page 46 of Loving the Alien Spy

“No!” Carrik slashes his arm through the air. “I swear I was going to tell you soon. The secret has been weighing heavily on me more and more each day. I no longer wanted to keep it from you. Every time you called me by Bannik’s name, I bled with the pain it caused. I have wanted nothing more than to hear my rightful name fall from your lips.”

“Yet you only told me when you had no other choice.” I deflate, feeling utterly spent in ways I never have before.

I’m not sure how I make it to the sofa, but somehow I collapse onto it. I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on top of them. A hollow sensation takes up space inside me. I’m completely wrung out. My vision is so unfocused, movement in front of me is nothing but a blurry mess. A figure forms. I blink to find Ban—Carrik—kneeling in front of me.

He reaches out, but I shrink back from his touch and tuck my legs tighter against my chest. His arms fall to his side. “I did not plan on keeping you in the dark. For nearly thirty anums, I have lived by the duty I swore to my father I would uphold. My life was no longer my own. It belonged to the king of Bohna. I was to serve the king, no matter how difficult that task might be. No matter how lonely I might become. It was my greatest honor to bear this burden. I happily fulfilled the duty that bound me. But when I met you, I was no longer satisfied with that life.”

“You’re a trained spy. Someone who actively lies for a living. How am I ever supposed to trust you to tell me the truth?”

Carrik places his hand on his chest. “You are my heart’s fire, Lindsey. I will give my life to protect you and do everything in my power to make you happy. That overrides any duty I have to the crown. I have no desire or intention of continuing in the role I have played.I am giving it all up for you, because you are themost important person to me. You are the only person in my life who matters.”

God, I want to believe Carrik so badly. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this with you right now. I need time and some space to think.”

He opens his mouth, but whatever he planned on saying is swallowed down with a sharp nod. “Whatever time and space you need, you will get. I will remain in Preska for the foreseeable future, if for nothing more than to ensure you are safe and protected.”

I cock my head. “You say that as if you’re anticipating some type of danger. Am I going to be the target of some unknown enemy now that your identity has been revealed? Is that the real reason why you’re staying in the city?”

Carrik carefully takes my hand, and this time, I can’t find the strength to fight it. “To my knowledge, there is no immediate threat to you or your friends. But Mohneek and Orvak are still out there somewhere. I do not trust them to give up their quest for revenge against the crown. They have attacked the city twice now. I will not let them do so a third time.”

“So you’re planning on looking for them.”

“It is what brought me to Preska in the first place.” Carrik strokes my knuckles. “It is why I imprisoned Bannik after the attack and begged the queen to allow me to return to my brother’s guard duties. I needed to gather any intel I could that might lead me to their whereabouts.”

I swallow back the hurt and force myself to look at the situation from every angle. No one was going to win. He admitted he had secrets he couldn’t share yet. “Then you saw me outside the botanical garden that day.”

He nods. “Then I saw you. I tried to stay away, because I knew you had no desire to be my heart’s fire. I kept telling myself it was selfish to tie you to me. If I let the unfulfilled mate bond take me, you would then be free to find another male—one far more deserving—to choose as your mate.”

My stomach dips at the knowledge that Carrik would have sacrificed himself so I’d have a chance to find someone else. “What made you change your mind?”

“Horek made me realize I wasn’t being selfish, but cruel, rather. I love you more than I have ever loved another being, and the thought of being so callous was more than I could bear.” Carrik scoots closer until he’s pressed hard against the sofa and his chest nearly touches my shins. “I should not even be telling you now who I truly am, but I didn’t want to keep this from you any longer.”

“What do you mean, you shouldn’t be telling me now?”

“Bannik returning to the city adds an unexpected player to the game. Because locating Mohneek and Orvak is Janik’s main priority, we need to figure out how to make that happen and quickly. Because a former rebel—whom we believe may have a connection to them—believes I’m Bannik and has already approached me more than once, it will set us back if he discovers I’m actually Carrik.”

Understanding slowly comes. “Which means you’re going to continue posing as your brother.”

“Yes.”

“And what about the real Bannik?”

“He will pose as me.”

“For how long?”

Carrik reaches up, and I let him cradle my jaw. Maybe I’m weak, but I lean into his touch. “For however long it takes.”

I sigh. “What am I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Nothing different from what you’ve been doing. You are still my heart’s fire. I will still make sure you’re safe and protected.”

My hand covers his. “Is there anything else you haven’t told me? Even the smallest thing?”

“There is nothing. No more secrets. I vow to you, the only thing I ever lied about was my name.”

Are Carrik’s sins any worse than Janik’s? Carrik is—and has always been—a loyal ally to the crown trying to dismantle the rebel forces. Janik had been leading those same rebel forces. Could his sin not be considered worse than Carrik’s? Or am I merely trying to justify his lies?

I turn my head to press a kiss against his palm. “Will you give me a little time to myself?”