Page 25 of Later Bloom

“Thanks for talking it through. You could’ve just told me to fuck off. I might’ve deserved it.”

“Maybe. But this is more fun.”

“I really didn’t mean anything by it,” Raphael says again, his tone just a hint more insistent. His brows are drawn in concern and he waits, patiently, for Aubrey to say something. She shrugs.

“Like I said, not my first time. No pun intended.”

He says nothing in return, and Aubrey suddenly feels very conscious of her weight in the grass, of her hair, of how little time she’s known Raphael. She says, “Sorry if this was intense.”

“What do you mean?”

“This speech. I wasn’t trying to make you feel any sort of way. I’ve just had a lot of time to think about those things.”

“It’s okay,” he shrugs, but he’s not looking at her. “The unintended pun made up for it.”

Aubrey laughs. Raphael adds, “Don’t apologize for speaking your mind and such. I think you owe it to yourself to do it.”

“Right. Thank you. Sometimes I think I owe it to myself to shut up.”

“Why do you say that?”

Aubrey tugs her sweater tighter around her torso, maybe to shield herself from the breeze, maybe because it makes breathing a little easier. She squints in the wind. The evening smells bright and her mind feels crisp. Tentatively, she says out loud a thought she often keeps to herself. “It’s just, sometimes I think I wouldn’t be where I am today if I just kept it to myself. Maybe I wouldn’t skew things in the same direction over and over and over.”

“Is it so bad, where you are today?”

She looks at him. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah. But it’s fine that you bring it up. It’s part of who you are.”

“Seems a lot of guys think it’s a red flag.”

“Then they’re not the guys for you.” Raphael says this very casually, as if it’s a no-brainer. Aubrey sinks into his words as if it’s the first time she’s ever heard them. She’s told them to herself before, but it never quite echoes the same as when someone else tells you the things you won’t allow yourself to believe.

“I guess not,” is all she can think to respond.

Then he stands and holds his hand out to help her up, and just like that, they make their way back. As they walk, they talk more about life, how dizzying it is that they got to today so fast, how odd is it to realize your parents are people, too, that everyone’s just experiencing life for the first time, and the challenge of not stewing in the shame of messing up your first steps into adulthood. Raphael speaks of breaking his first serious girlfriend’s heart, how differently he should’ve acted. Aubrey confesses she’s still not quite confident in knowing who she is, that she’s yet to find a way not to bend the edges of herself when she wants other people to like her.

It’s easy to talk to him, maybe because they walk in the dark and their voices mix in with the steady roll of the water, and it feels like nothing is permanent, like their words are fleeting and temporary. Aubrey tries very hard not to think about it, or overthink about it, and she listens to his voice and nods along and she wonders, once again, if this is how it’s meant to feel.

In the curve of his smile and the tone of his voice, she tries to find the familiarity of a spark. All she knows is she feels good, walking around quaint Lunenburg like this, and she doesn’t mind doing it by Raphael’s side. Maybe she’d be inclined to do it again.

He offers to walk her home, and when she insists it’s not necessary, he laughs and points out that he already knows the place anyway, and it’s on his way back. Aubrey scrunches her nose and lets him walk her to Louise’s.

On the curb, they stand in front of each other with their arms crossed, maybe because it’s cold, maybe because this is never the smoothest part.

“This was nice,” Aubrey says.

Raphael nods in agreement and replies, “Really nice, yeah.”

She inhales deeply and the fresh air is her favourite thing, at this very moment. She hears herself say, “We should do it again soon.”

“Mhm, yeah. Lunenburg’s not done growing on you.”

“Isn’t it?”

“I’d like to think there’s a lot more to it.”

“Well, great, yeah. I’ll hold you to that.”