Page 17 of Fought and Found

Going anyway.

I read my own assessment back to myself. Documentation withoutauthority is a diary.

Then I think about nine years of mission reports filed in SRS’s database — every target acquired, every contract completed, documented in the precise language Director Trell approved. Documentation with authority. Reports no one questioned. Not one of them, not once, asked whether the mission was worth completing.

Her diary asks the right questions. Mine don’t ask anything at all.

The thought arrives before I can stop it, and it arrives in clinical language, the language the mission uses for her:

Dead woman.

If I had been the agent SRS built. If the compliance rate had held. If “manageable” had meant what it was supposed to mean, and I had walked forty feet down the corridor with my gauntlet chip and come back with her cargo and left her breathing in a ship I’d never see again. Mission complete. Report filed. She would be a line item in a database and I would be on the next contract and Trell’s pause would not exist because I would not have given him reason to pause.

I close the notebook.

The crescent marks in my palms have stopped bleeding. Eight small crescents, drying to dark lines against my skin. I press my thumb across them — not hard enough to reopen, just enough to feel the architecture of what I did to myself in that cockpit, because a woman I am supposed to be robbing called me beautiful, and I had no file for it.

I have a file for dead woman. I’ve used it. Eighteen months ago, a client whose name I don’t say, whose face I’ve professionally declined to retain. I didn’t hesitate. The lack of hesitation is the thing that surfaces at 0300 on bad nights, and tonight it surfaces standing in the cargo bunk of a courier’s ship holding her notebook, and the bad thing — the specific bad thing I have been not-looking-at — is that I am notsure anymore whether it was the hesitation I was missing or the reason for it.

She has not given me an invoice. That is the specific malfunction I cannot resolve. Every transaction I have been part of in nine years has had a cost structure — compliance or consequence, cooperation or force, and the courier has done neither. She offered me tea. She named her ship’s waypoints after a ceramic figurine and she gave me her notebook and she stood in the cargo bay door drinking chamomile with Betsy’s grip three inches from her hand, and she has not once asked me for anything in return.

The Proving Dens had a name for this. They called it a vulnerability vector — the moment an asset presents as unthreatening, the moment your threat assessment drops, the moment something slips through the gap between operational caution and the thing underneath it that the Dens spent fifteen years trying to train out of you.

The Dens were right. This is a vulnerability. The courier is a vulnerability vector, and I am standing in her cargo bunk at 0300 having read every word she has ever written about things that got lost and nobody looked for, and the vulnerability is not that she might betray me.

The vulnerability is that I might not be willing to betray her.

I return the notebook to the console at the exact angle she left it. Because I noticed the angle. Because I notice everything about this woman and have been doing so since she offered me tea while I was attempting to rob her, and Director Trell’s pause is in my chest, and the delivery clock is running, and I am standing in the dark of a ship that smells like peppermint and machine oil and the specific chemistry of a person my olfactory system classified as significant before I had the wit to stop it.

My tail reaches toward the cockpit door.

I wrap it around my own leg. I sit down on the edge of the cargo bunk — the narrow cot eight inches too short for my frame — and I do not sleep, and I do not think about the file I don’t have for beautiful, and I do not think about what it means that when I ran the operational calculus in the corridor I already knew what I’d find at the end of it.

There are plenty of hours left in this run, and I am going to complete this mission.

I press my thumb into the crescent marks until they ache.

0647. The courier emerges from the cockpit with pillow creases on one cheek and her braid entirely destroyed, looking like a woman who slept upright in a pilot’s chair and is choosing to consider this a lifestyle rather than a structural failure.

I am at the nav console. The 0600 report is filed — clean, compliant, thirty seconds of a voice I am no longer sure is mine. The route is finalized. Her notebook is exactly where she left it.

Her gaze moves past me to the cargo bunk — door open, the narrow cot made with a precision that would pass SRS inspection. Blanket squared. Pillow centered on a mattress eight inches too short. The corner of her mouth pulls. Not a smile. Smaller than that. She looks at the made cot, then at me, and whatever she finds in the comparison she keeps to herself.

“Morning, lovey. Sleep well?”

“Xarthians don’t require as much sleep as humans.” True, and notan answer.

She puts the kettle on. Fills the larger mug without asking — the one I washed at 0430 because I was not sleeping, and the task required no thought, and she had left it on the console, and I am not examining why I noticed or why it mattered that the mug was clean when she woke up.

“Do you name everything?” I ask, as she sets the mug beside me. Her fingers are close. Callused at the tips. “Or just the things you’re afraid of losing?”

The question leaves me before I have vetted it. There is no operational framework for why I asked. It sits in the cockpit like a live charge — she is watching me with those brown eyes that see too much — and I already know my own answer: I don’t name things, because naming things is attachment and attachment is a vulnerability your enemies will exploit, and the reason I know this is that the last thing I named was my sister and I have not said her name in thirty years.

I say nothing.

“Just the things worth keeping,” she says. Answering me. Answering for both of us.

“For the record,” Sprout says, drifting down from the ceiling, orb glowing steady and warm, “the Petal is named. I am named. The weapons are named. Gerald is named.” A pause, precise as a blade. “The only unnamed thing on this ship is you.”