Page 46 of The Cowboy and the Baby

The call ended before I knew it was on the way out. Bemused, I shoved the phone into my back pocket, considered returning to the linoleum, and closed that thought off when a lusty cry issued from the other room.

I hadn’t accomplished what I wanted to, but at least I knew where to find the pictures. Once I fed Lily and changed her, we’d venture into the basement together, because the piles of junk were one beast that needed conquering almost as quickly as the bathroom.

Images surrounded me an hour later.

Lily lay in her bouncer while I knelt on the basement floor. She cooed and punched the air, her feet and hands kicking frantically. I laughed at her gurgling sounds, enjoying the way her lips curved along the edges.

Familiar faces peered out from history when I plucked a picture of Naomi off the carpet and held it next to Lily’s face to compare the similarities. Startled by the unexpected touch on her cheek, Lily paused. Her mama stared out from the past, grinning wide, several teeth missing. She had been only several months older in this photo than Lily was now, and there was a definite resemblance.

Lily had her eyes, her sloping nose. The tiny ears, pasted back, the lobes attached. Tears threatened again. It was hard to remember that Naomi had only been gone for a few weeks.

I gained Lily.

Lost Naomi.

And my chest still felt the raw excoriation.

I missed my old life. Things that made sense. Time. I missed sleeping through the night, and tracking patient names instead of diapers and wet wipes. I missed the Naomi I knew years ago.

Lily cooed, so I put the photo down and pulled her out of the bouncer, into my arms. I pulled my legs up, knees bent, and leaned her against my thighs, holding her hands, making faces, laughing when she returned the monkey-like lips.

Her inquisitive stare locked onto me.

I smiled at her.

She smiled back, however slight.

Molten heat pooled in my chest, and she cooed again, eyes drifting to the side. So happy, so calm. Joyful tears surfaced. These emotions were poignant. Deep. Lily stirred them from a place I didn’t know existed inside of me. There were so many feelings to experience, I didn’t know how to rotate through.

Was it possible for a human to feel this extent of love, and terror, at the same time? I’d fight anything and anyone for Lily, even in hopeless moments when I dissolved into tears because I couldn’t get the wipes package to open.

My hand reached for my phone to snap a picture of her next smile, but she began to gnaw on a thumb that she trapped. I chuckled, snapped a few funny ones, and opened my text messages.

My thumb stalled.

Who to share it with?

My parents were still mourning Naomi and hadn’t decided whether they would have anything more to do with me or Lily. Dad had a habit of slicing people out of his life when they didn’t do exactly what he desired, and I’d left my illustrious career to parent my niece. He’d rather throw her into daycare and keep me working.

So I left.

He did not agree.

Which landed me here.

Social media was not something I had to worry about. Not only did I not care much for it, but the birth father and his overeager parents might see it, and it seemed better to fly low on the radar while the guardianship was processed and I hid in the mountains.

Last time I checked social media, Lily’s paternal grandmother had said, Please pray for us, we’re dealing with a wanna-be mama and a baby she isn’t equipped to care for and vaguely stating things like, We won’t give up until our little girl is in our arms!

None of that was true.

I hoped.

Seeing the reminders of their vindictiveness only made me sick, anyway. To consider the way they treated me before undermined any emotional ground I had. By escaping with Lily, I wasn’t stealing a child who wasn’t mine. Naomi wanted me to have Lily, but of course, she died unexpectedly in childbirth and didn’t leave written instructions in a will.

Besides, their son was probably using drugs again. And I wouldn’t have Lily exposed to that.

After a moment of hesitation, I decided to send the photo to Cade. Moments after it was delivered, I regretted it. Would it seem too forward? Would he be annoyed? If anything, it was too rash. He didn’t have a blood buy-in with Lily. If I shared these moments with him, would it create an unintentional expectation?