Page 24 of The Fighter

He shot out of the bed like the devil was on his heels, his wrists still bound, rope trailing behind him. His feet pounded on the tile as he ran out of my bedroom and down the hall. He was naked, so I had no idea where he thought he was going to go. I took off after him, but even though I was fit, I was no match for Tav.

When I reached the living room, I didn’t see him anywhere. I spun in a circle, my hands in my hair, frantic to find him. The curtain leading out onto my balcony fluttered, and I stopped. The large glass door to my balcony was open a crack, and when the curtain waved again, I spotted a pale, motionless form amid the black of night. The fabric flapped in the breeze with a soft snap and with it, a cold draft wrapped around my bare feet.

I walked slowly toward the door, unsure what to do, not knowing what set off Tav and unsure if he’d go further. I didn’teven care if he hurt me at this point. I didn’t want him to hurthimself.

When I reached the door, I pulled the curtain aside, shivering at the frozen air creeping into my apartment. Tav stood holding onto the black, wrought-iron balcony railing. His back was heaving with every inhale, his legs braced far apart. He was trembling, an all-over shudder that chilled me to the bone. It could have been eighty-degrees outside, and I would have frozen solid at the sight of his terror.

Before taking a step outside, I reached over and grabbed a blanket off a chair near the door, and then I hesitated. Tav’s hair whipped around his head as I pushed the door open wide with a soft whoosh. With one great inhale and exhale, his head dropped forward, and he fell to his knees with a groan. I didn’t think this time, I just acted, coming up behind him, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders and then falling to my knees beside him. He was hunched over, his head in his hands, shaking uncontrollably. I hated seeing him like this, when not long ago he’d been at such peace.What had I done?I wrapped my arms around him, forcing his head into my neck. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please tell me what I did wrong and what I can do to fix it. Please.”

He didn’t speak, but his arms came around me, clutching my shoulders, his breath hot at the base of my throat. I held him tighter, carding my fingers through his hair, rubbing his neck, his back, his biceps. Anywhere I could reach, I touched, hoping my apology came through if not in my words, then in my hands.

“I’m sorry, Tav,” I whispered.

He shook his head and when he finally spoke, his voice sounded like broken glass. “Not your fault. This is why… fuck, I’m a mess.”

I pulled back a little and reached for his wrists. I moved the rope aside and grimaced at the raw skin. “Please come inside. I need to take care of these.”

He started trembling again, sucking in gulps of cold air.

I cupped his cheek. “Let me take care of you. No more rope, okay?”

His breath hitched, and those two-toned eyes watched me as I catalogued his body, checking for new hurts. He’d come to me injured, and I’d only succeeding in hurting him further.

“Okay,” he said, finally.

“Okay.” I pulled the blanket tighter around him, and then we rose to our feet. Tav walked with his head down, his shoulders slumped.

I shut the door to the balcony and locked it, then motioned with my head down the hall. “Go on into the bathroom. I want to get you warmed up in the tub.”

He made no sound but did as I asked. I followed him, realizing my hands were trembling from adrenaline but also from the cold. When I reached the bathroom, I turned on the faucet to fill the whirlpool tub, then began to strip out of my clothes. Tav watched me from under his lashes, the blanket still wrapped around his massive shoulders. I reached for his hands and untied the rope, dropping them in the trash. When the tub was mostly full, I stepped inside and then motioned him to follow me.

I rarely took baths. In fact, I usually used my tub for towel storage. The occasional bloody clothes when a Soto job went south. But today, with Tav still shaking, his eyes still darting warily, I was so glad I had it installed. I sat him on the bottom and then began to massage his muscles, working the water into the cold skin. It pinked up quickly as he warmed.

I turned off the water and grabbed some soap and a washcloth and began to wash him. When I reached his wrists, Idabbed at the tender skin. I thought about how to word what I wanted to say to him, what I wanted to ask. And I hoped I didn’t trigger any other extreme reaction. “If you ever want to see me again, I need to know why you lost it.”

I lifted my gaze to his face. His eyes were downcast, watching my ministrations to his skin. I waited, moving on to the other hand, figuring he’d tell me when he was ready. I was rinsing his wrists when he spoke. “I like when you tie me up. But I like it when it’s my choice. When I give that control to you.” He spoke slowly, staring at the water. “But when you said about not letting me leave… it flipped a switch. It was no longer about my choice…” He chewed on his cut lip and raised eyes to me. “Does that make sense?”

It did. It made a whole lot of sense. “There’s a difference, between granting permission for it to happen and having it happen to you.”

His expression brightened a little, and my heart tripped over itself. “Yeah, that’s it. I don’t like to feel trapped. It’s too much like—” He cut himself off and blinked his eyes. “I can’t handle that, Con.”

I drifted over so I was straddling his lap. I cupped his face. “I’m sorry, Tav.”

He shook his head. “You didn’t know. It’s not your fault. I know you didn’t even mean it, not really, but I couldn’t seem to stop the panic.” His eyes drifted to the side. “It was… all-consuming.”

“You had a panic attack. And I take some responsibility for that. I understand the difference, and I should have watched your body language more closely.”

He tilted his head to the side. “Really?”

“Yeah, really. I’m not a sadist, Tav. I like to be in control during sex, but I want that control given to me. It’s a gift and thelast thing I want to do is break it.” I brushed my lips over his. “I thought I broke you.”

He pressed into the kiss, his hands circling my waist to rest on my lower back. Then he shoved his face into my chest, licking up a drop of water. “You probably could break me, Con, but it’d take more than that to do it.”

I didn’t respond to his words because I didn’t know how. He’d just given that to me, that power to break him. Part of me didn’t want it. I should have climbed out of that tub right then, told him to put on his clothes and walk out. Never come back.

But I didn’t. I squeezed my eyes shut and held him closer, thankful it was me who held that power, because I didn’t trust anyone else with him. I ran my hands through the wet strands of Tav’s hair as his breath coasted over the wet skin of my chest. His big body was at rest now, muscles loose. His fingers rubbed slow circles on my lower back, and every once in a while his tongue would dart out to lick at my nipple, which made him murmur in contentment. Eventually, he closed his lips around the hardened bud and sucked softly with his eyes closed.

Something had shifted inside of me when I’d spotted him huddled on my balcony. Despite the glaring alarm bells surrounding Tav, I didn’t care anymore. I’d spent the last ten years saving people, and sometimes I forgot why it mattered. I often wondered if I was making any sort of difference in the end. I didn’t believe in heaven or hell, but I believed in my own soul or at least I used to.