Page 30 of Love Expert

Living room: unfolded.

Kitchen: folded.

It’s a production line, apparently.

Carefully sweeping the clothes to the left and saying nothing of the Spiderman underwear on top, I plop my folder on the table and tug out a chair so the legs scrape across the floor. “I’m your love expert, Billy Caster. I will find love for you, and if you try to chew anyone’s panties off while representing my agency, unless the wearers of those pantieswantyou to chew them off, then I’ll break your hands and ruin all your fun for the next little while.” I settle on my chair, open the folder and pick up my pen, thenI bring my eyes up to an entirely unenthusiastic cop and flash a wide smile. “Let’s start with the past. Tell me about the dates you’ve been on in the last twelve months. Where’d you take them? What did you talk about? How did it go?” I start on the first line and make my notes.

Name: Wilbert “Billy” Caster.

Age: 33.

Preferences…

“What type of woman are you typically interested in these days? Short? Tall? Blonde? Brunette?”

ROUND THIRTEEN

BILLY

“You can delete that Wilbert nonsense right fuckin’ now.” I stalk toward my fridge and rip the door wide, only to growl at the realization that it’s been open since… I don’t even know when.This morning?I snatch out a bottle of water—still cold—and slam the door without offering any to Magnolia.

Because I have a reputation to uphold.

“Participate appropriately, and I’ll delete the Wilbert part.” Entirely too fucking smug, she hits me with a smile that steals the breath from my lungs. “What physical attributes do you find yourself attracted to these days? Do you prefer a certain hair color over others? A build?”

“I like ‘em with massive tits and edible asses. Oh, and I prefer it when they don’t cop an attitude.” I crack my water open and chug enough to wash the burn of my shitty words down. “Honestly, I prefer they don’t speak at all.”

“Mmhm.” She has more control over her temper than I do, because she writes her notes and manages a sweet smile instead of the sneer sheshouldbe wearing. “Aria was blonde. Do you still like that?”

“Nope.” Fuck, I wish my water was something much stronger. Starts with T and ends withequila.“I go darker these days. Prefer brown hair over black. Prefer black over blonde. Haven’t taken a ginger for a spin yet, so I can’t say for sure how I feel about that.”

“You’re actively trying to piss me off.” She addspreference: brunetteto her notes. “If we’d never met before this, I’d almost buy your act, concludethat you’re a degenerate with no redeeming qualities, and give up on this project.”

“Mm. Degenerate is my favorite way to be. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

She crosses one long, sinful leg over the other, her knee coming up to brush the underside of my table.

Fuck her for growing up the way she did.

“Except, we didn’t just meet. I knew you before you decided that being a prick could be your entire personality.”

“People change. This is the new me, babe.”

“Almost believable,” she quips, but then something heavy crashes against the floor upstairs. For just a moment, her eyes shoot to the ceiling and her smile pisses me off all over again.Why universe? Whyyyy?Slowly, seductively, she brings that glorious stare back down and hits me right in the solar plexus. “Except, your son is sweet as hell and reminds me of the boy I used to know. There’snoway he could be that way if you were consistently this…” Dismissive, she rolls her hand in my direction. “Tits and ass andI just wanna get laidbullshit.”

“I do just wanna get laid.”

“Mmm. I’m sure you do, but you can’t possibly know about that unless you’ve convinced a woman to spend more than a few minutes alone with you. I assure you, no sensible, sane woman would take her top off for the prick you pretend to be. For reasons I haven’t quite figured out yet, you’re saving all your degenerate behavior for me.”

It’s because you’re here, Magnolia! It’s because you’re pretty and witty and won’t leave me the fuck alone!

“So you keep doing you.” She goes back to making notes in her folder. “I’ll continue doing me knowing that, eventually, you’ll tire of this role you’ve assigned yourself. When that time inevitably arrives, I’ll have a slew of dates lined up, and one of them will, of course, make you very happy.”

“Of course,” I drawl. “Because there’s no chance you might be wrong about this, right?”

“Exactly. I have a one hundred percent success rate.” She brings those smug, sinful eyes across to mine. “Have a good time with Dara last night?”

“Yup. We had a blast.”Not.I dropped her home and spent the morning airing the stench of vomit out of my car. “She’s real fun when she’s drinking.”