Page 94 of Darkness Defined

I stopped in front of the door to our dorm and hesitated before opening it. What if Alex was on the other side with an answer? What if he wasn’t?

I took a deep breath and stepped inside. The room was a soft dark that reached out Like a gentle caress. The door closed behind me without a sound. Subconsciously, I pushed my awareness into the darkness. It didn’t feel threatening like it had in the library or like it had earlier in the day. It was warm, like a friend, and there, back in his room, I sensed Alex. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

He came back.

I was tired from the exhausting day and my draining experience in the library, but I was just as afraid that if I went to sleep, I’d wake up to a world without Alex. For a moment, I debated sleeping on the couch. Except that wouldn’t do any good. He’d already proved he didn’t need the front door to come and go. Besides, it wouldn’t bode well for agreeing to give him space.

I shrugged off my pack and walked to my room. Once inside, I changed and lay on the bed. I had no idea how I’d ever sleep with so much anxiety clamoring in my mind. Yet it seemed in hardly any time at all that I fell into a deep slumber and dreamed about being swallowed whole by the night. The only thing that prevented me from waking up in terror was that I knew Alex was in the darkness, waiting for me.

Chapter 28

Lavender & Sage

A

Idalliedinmyroom. While I had a better idea of Matt’s sincerity, I still couldn’t bring myself to trust it. A subconscious response just wasn’t the same as someone telling you outright that they wanted to be with you. Even more than my distrust of Matt’s motives—subconscious or otherwise—was my distrust of myself.

I wanted it to be true so bad I was afraid I might be deluding myself. There was no way this could end in anything but disaster, and yet, I desperately wanted to hope, to believe that this could work. That we could work. Before I could, though, I needed Matt to answer a few questions. When I walked into the living room, I wasn’t surprised to find him sitting on the couch.

“I wasn’t sure you’d come back,” he said without looking up, confirming my suspicion the other night that he’d known when I left.

“I would never leave without saying goodbye, Matt. You should know me better than that.” No matter how much doing so would hurt. I walked over to join him. The cushion shifted beneath me, but everything else remained perfectly still, including Matt. “Where did you go yesterday?” If he said the fight club, I was done.

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, but didn’t turn. “The library.” It was looking like that was his go-to place to think.

“Find anything?”

“Yes.” His gaze flicked to his pack. I expected him to reach for it, but he stayed still, like he was waiting for something. Then it hit me.

He’s resigned himself that I’m leaving.

I studied him closer. He looked like a child lost in the woods that had given up trying to be found. My heart ached. I took a deep breath. Here went nothing. “Tell me about these dreams of yours.”

Matt still didn’t face me. He did, however, turn bright red. Well, that was something. Whatever they were, they weren’t innocent.

I didn’t prompt him. If this was going to be a thing, then I needed him to volunteer information without me dragging it out of him.

He twiddled his thumbs as if trying to decide how to start. “They began simple enough. Aside from the fact that I was dreaming at all, there was nothing particularly unusual about them. You were just there, something permanent that never changed.” He almost looked at me and let out a heavy breath. “That’s a really big deal for me.” He paused, like admitting that out loud was especially hard.

“After the practicum, that changed. It wasn’t just memories of our time together, they were… different. Do you remember that day we ran in the rain?” He looked over briefly and I nodded. How could I forget? I’d almost kissed him right in front of the dining hall. “The night of the practicum, I dreamed of that again. Except this time, when I caught you, we didn’t laugh about it and go inside. Instead, we stayed outside and kissed in the rain.” He plucked at the hem of his shirt, worrying a thread loose. “It was like my mind was trying to show me how that moment should have gone. Looking back, I realize that it’s right. Then all of my memories of us changed. Every time we were too close, anytime I thought you were being awkward, all of them.” He took a shaky breath.

I had so many questions, but it seemed best not to interrupt. This was the most personal information he’d ever shared at one time.

“As it went on, I had to admit that they weren’t happening because I found out you were gay. I think I actually knew the whole time and was willfully ignoring it. That doesn’t matter though. The bottom line was that I kept dreaming about us kissing because… I wanted to.” His face flushed a deep pink again. “And it’s not just in the dreams. No matter what we’re doing, that want is there, and I don’t know what to do about any of it.” He let out a frustrated huff, then regathered himself. “All I’m asking is that you let me try. I’m not promising I’ll be perfect. I’ll need patience, but… I do want this.”

I felt like the entire world had been suspended. Through his speech, he’d yet to face me. Meanwhile, my heart was somewhere between wanting to race and being too afraid to beat at all. “Okay.” The word popped free, and it was like someone had finally pushed play on the world around me.

Matt turned and really looked at me. Doubt shone in his blue eyes like he was searching for the other shoe. So I gave him the clarity he needed.

“We’ll do this.”

A spark of hope brightened his worried gaze. “Are you sure? I know I’ve already made a real mess. I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I’ve done.”

I sighed and gave him a small smile. “I’ve already forgiven you, Matt. But I need to know that you understand I love you, that I’m in love with you. It’s not some teenage crush on my roommate. Is that going to be okay?”

His eyes were wide, but he nodded. He licked his lips. “I’ll make mistakes. This is very… different for me.”

“I know.” I leaned forward to caress his face. He didn’t flinch or pull away. He simply stared back and waited. How was it possible to love one person so much? “We’ll just have to take it slow.” I closed the distance and gave him a soft kiss.