Page 89 of Darkness Defined

Now… now I was stuck in yet another impossible situation with Matt. I’d been a fool to believe that he could ever want me the way I wanted him. Seeing the doubt and panic in his eyes had hurt more than I’d ever imagined was possible. Even hours later, the ache was still there, right beside my excruciating love for him. If the last few weeks had taught me anything, it was that I’d never be able to stop loving Matt.

The longer I roved the halls, the more I felt like there was really only one option left. I couldn’t live like this. I’d tried. Maybe someday I’d be able to just be friends with Matt, but not now. Something told me that would never happen, though. It wouldn’t be enough to tell him we couldn’t hang out anymore—he’d never let it be—I’d have to leave.

My chest tightened at the mere thought of not seeing him every day. It hadn’t exactly been easy when I’d left Daniel, but by the end, I’d felt liberated, like I was finally free to be me. This was different. The pain went way deeper. This wasn’t some band aid I could rip off. It felt more like giving up a part of myself than trying to move on with my life. But that didn’t change what needed to be done.

I took a deep breath to steel my resolve and made my way back to the dorm. Whatever happened, I couldn’t let Matt steamroll me. I would be strong… for both of us.

When I opened the door, it was to an empty room. There was no sign of Matt or anything else. For a moment, I was a little put out. He wasn’t even waiting for me to come back? I checked my disappointment and forced myself to see this as a mercy. I’d get farther along in packing my things if he wasn’t around to stop me.

As I walked past the table, I saw my book was there, along with several notes and the bookmark. It looked like the sketch he’d been working on was almost done and, contrary to what I’d originally thought, it took up the whole page. I resisted the urge to take a closer look. It would just be one more thing trying to keep me here. Without really paying attention to the other things on the table, I grabbed the book from amidst the clutter and the others I’d left on the counter. A few more feet and I’d be safe in my room.

“You came back.”

I gave an involuntary flinch. He sounded so relieved. Now that I’d been spotted, it was pointless to ignore him. He’d bulldoze his way into my room if he had to. I couldn’t take that, so I turned to him.

“Alex, please. I’m sorry. I-”

“No, Matt.” Even saying his name was painful. Damn it, I would make it through this without falling apart. “I can’t do this anymore. I won’t do this anymore.”

His mouth fell open, and it seemed to take him a second to recover. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I can’t be your friend. It’s too hard. I’m going to pack my stuff up and request to switch dorms in the morning.” I had no idea if it was even possible, but I sure as hell was going to try.

Panic that bordered on terror exploded across his face. “You can’t. You’re my best friend.”

“Well, I can’t very well stay here. Can I?” I snapped. At least if I was angry, I wasn’t a teary mess. “You won’t have to worry about anything. I’ll go see Marquis in the morning and get the room assignment changed. Maybe you’ll luck out and have the whole place to yourself for a semester.”

“Alex, wait. Just tell me what to do.” He took a half step forward. “How can I make this right?”

“There’s nothing you can do. It’s… it’s not you.” That was only partially true, but it got his ire up.

“I swear, if you try to pull some it’s not you, it’s me bullshit…” The threat hung unfinished. “There has to be a way to make this right. We can go back to the way it was. We won’t drink together anymore and… and…” he floundered, clearly not sure what he could do to fix this.

“Just stop. I know you want to keep being friends, Matt, but I just… can’t. It’s too difficult for me.”

“I don’t understand why. What’s the big deal?”

“Because I’m in love with you,” I replied with a little too much force. I hadn’t meant to tell him that, but I felt better now that it was out. Despite his obvious surprise, he still didn’t back down.

“I can fix this. You just have to tell me how.”

“How? This isn’t something you can fix. I’ve already tried. I can’t do both. It hurts too much.”

“But I can’t lose you.” He might as well have plunged a knife in my gut and twisted. “There has to be something. We… I… There has to be some way I can fix this.” His voice threatened to break.

“There’s nothing you can do.”

He shook his head like it could somehow dispel what I was saying, a stubborn set to his mouth. “I don’t believe that. There has to be a way to make this better. I won’t let you go. I can’t.” His beseeching plea only made me angry. This was hard enough without him being selfish.

“What’s it going to take for you to understand? These aren’t just words, Matt. What can I do to prove that to you?” I set the books down hard enough on the counter that he jumped. I needed him to understand why I couldn’t do this, why this was impossible for me.

Without warning, I stalked over to where he was standing. I grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him. He seemed unsure of what to do, but I didn’t stop. I needed him to understand that loving him wasn’t some passing fancy, or college crush; it had completely eaten me up so that I couldn’t even breathe. I poured everything into the kiss, all the heartache, all the wishful thinking, even my desperate hope that someday he might love me back. This was probably the last time I’d ever get to do this, and I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to make it count.

The longer I kissed him, the more I was in danger of losing what remained of my resolve. I loved kissing Matt; it was unlike anything else. I tried to rein it in, but he was still kissing me back.

“Matt, I’ve been completely wrapped up in you since the first time I saw you.” I rubbed my thumb over his swollen lips. Perfectly kissable. I needed to stop.

I placed a lingering kiss, reveling in how his mouth molded to mine. I needed to go. Even having decided hours before, the decision felt like agony. I didn’t want to leave Matt. I had to. I resisted the urge to steal one last kiss and released him. Already I could feel the ache spreading painfully across my chest. I quickly turned to retrieve the stack of discarded books.