Page 85 of Darkness Defined

“Would you forget the damn book!” I couldn’t remember the last time I’d yelled so much. I hadn’t even yelled when I found out Daniel was cheating.

Matt stood there looking like some lost, injured puppy.

I couldn’t do this. I hated seeing that I was hurting him. I hated knowing he was already in pain. And I hated how much he’d hurt me. I dropped my arms. “I’m not having this conversation anymore. You can do whatever you want. Get kicked out of school for all I care.”

“Alex.”

I ignored the plea in his voice. There was nothing he could say that would make this better. “Don’t.” I turned to go to my room. I needed space. I couldn’t breathe. Then a fresh wave of anger flashed through me and I spun back around, startling him. “And another thing, try not getting totally smashed the next time you want to kiss me.” With that, I slammed my door and finally lost whatever composure I had left.

No amount of deep breathing could alleviate the tightness in my chest. The whole episode smarted of a breakup, except we weren’t dating. We weren’t even anything close to resembling a couple. My deep breaths turned shaky. I couldn’t do this. I’d never been in love with my best friend before, and it was proving impossible.

That brought me up short. When had I started thinking of Matt as my best friend? I knew I was completely head over heels since day one, but this was an entirely new level. Was that why the betrayal hurt so much? The worst part of all of it was that there was no one to talk to about it with. Who could understand? Lacking any better option, I called my mom. She picked up, eager as ever to hear how things were going.

“It’s so good to hear from you, Lexi.” Just hearing her voice helped relieve some of the pain that had taken up residence in my chest. She knew how I felt about Matt, though I hadn’t shared any of the recent fails. “Tell me about finals. Surely, you’re done by now. Have you gotten your results?”

I struggled to keep my tone light. “Um yeah. Finals were fine. All As.”

“I’m so proud of you, honey.”

“Thanks, mom. I admit I didn’t expect to get one in Battle Tactics though.”

She tsked. “I still don’t understand why you need that class. I thought you said the war was over.”

“It is. Think of it like a just-in-case class. Plus, it teaches us to trust our instincts and our powers.” I almost choked. The words were nearly identical to what Matt had said to me.

“Alexi, are you alright?”

I was too busy holding back the beginnings of a sob to answer. Why did it hurt so much? I’d known nothing would ever come of my hopeless infatuation, and yet, some deep part of me had foolishly dared to dream.

“How did Matt do? Was he able to pull up his grades?”

I hadn’t even made it five minutes. A sob that sounded like it’d been torn from the depths of my soul broke free.

“Alexi, honey, what’s the matter?” Between heartbreaking sobs, I told her everything—from Matt finding out I was gay, to him disappearing for half a week and our horrible fight.

“I just don’t know what to do, Mama,” I blubbered.

“Shh, shh. It’ll be okay, sweetheart. I know this is hard. It sounds like you have some tough choices ahead of you. Like you both do.”

“And what choice is Matt making? He’s not gay. If anything, he’s too drunk half of the time to even be confused.”

“You don’t know that.”

I scoffed, bitterness filling the hollow space left by my tears. “Please don’t. Wishing it won’t make it true.”

“Then I guess you’ll be deciding for yourself.”

“I don’t know if I can.” I glanced toward the closed door I was positive he was hovering on the other side of. “He… he… doesn’t take no for an answer.” I dropped my voice and added in a whisper, “And I don’t know if I can live in a world without him in it.” I expected her to say I was being melodramatic. What I didn’t expect were the options she laid at my feet.

“Ultimately, it’s your choice, Alexi. You can stay and be miserable just so you can be near him or you can leave and try to find happiness again. But don’t decide now, you’re too worked up. Give it a few days, see if things settle down. Just putting it out there, but you could try actually talking to him.”

“I yelled at him. Does that count?”

“Alexi Roman, you did not.”

I flinched at the scandalized rebuke. “But-”

“No buts, that does not count. I mean a reasonable, level-headed conversation where you both lay all your cards on the table.”