Page 28 of Carter

“Vaguely. They bombarded me right after I got the news. I don’t remember what I said, but I tried.”

“Did they come back another time?”

“Someone called a few days later, but that’s it.”

My insides twist with fury. That’s it? That’s all they did?

“I’m so sorry,” I say gently. “For all of it. For what happened to Ryan. For having to deal with it and be strong all alone. For no one supporting you through it, or working harder to find who did this.”

“It’s not your fault.” He sniffles, and I get up to go to the kitchen and grab a few napkins because I don’t see tissues anywhere. He takes them, wipes his eyes and nose.

“Doesn’t mean I’m not sorry for it,” I say. “I know what it’s like to go through that. It sucks. Especially when you have to be the strong one.”

He nods, taking a shuddering breath before wiping his eyes again.

“We had no description of either of them. I tried to give their height or something, but I don’t know how accurate I was. It wasn’t until after I spoke with the cops that I was able to realize what was going on and why Ryan ran at them at all. The man was trying to rape that woman—I don’t think he got very far, but... It’s exactly Ryan to help someone, and it’s not that I wouldn’t have tried, or wished he hadn’t, it’s just…”

“It’s okay to not be brave all the time, Carter. It’s okay to be scared. And it’s okay to be angry about what happened and wish that you and Ryan would have walked the other way. It doesn’t make you a bad person to wish something bad didn’t happen to you.”

“But if I had stopped him, then she… what if she would have died? What if that man would have stabbed her?”

I shake my head, sitting beside him again.

“You can’t think like that because you don’t know what would have happened. Maybe someone else came along and stopped it? What if a cop had happened upon it? There are so many scenarios, Carter, and it’s unfair to yourself to go through them over and over.”

Another deep sob escapes his chest, and I put my hand on his back again.

“But maybe if I would have helped, if I would have been with Ryan when he went toward the guy, maybe… maybe…”

“None of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong, and maybe had you gone with him, you wouldn’t be here either. What ifs don’t fix things.” I sigh. “As humans, we want things to make sense, and this doesn’t make sense. But the other scenarios don’t either. Because that man, whoever did this, he’s the problem. If he didn’t exist, none of this would. Only then would it all make sense. But there is bad in this world. Too much of it.”

Carter covers his face, his shoulders shaking as he cries softly. I keep rubbing his back, and he leans closer to me, just a little. It’s okay. That’s why I’m here.

“How do you deal with this all the time?” he cries softly. “How do you deal with so much death?”

“I just hope that I’ll be able to help someone along the way.”

We stay like that for a little while. Five minutes. Ten. Twenty. I’m not sure, but it doesn’t matter.

For years, I craved for someone to hold me, to take control, to not have to be brave all the fucking time. It’s exhausting. But I didn’t have anyone to give that control to. No one I trusted.

My brother, Jericho, he made that mistake. He found someone who became his husband way too quickly. The man was older than him and a complete asshole. But at the time, it’s what Jericho needed. It’s how he dealt with it. So even though I’ve given him shit for being married to an asshole for years, I can’t blame him. It’s not his fault. He was doing the only thing he knew how to do. And maybe if I was around longer, if I had said more or taught them more, he wouldn’t have made that mistake. Hollis never would have done drugs for the first time. But I only had a few years of custody of them, and I was too busy working to pay the bills that I wasn’t around to help them emotionally. But I try not to hold all that baggage because, at the base of it, it isn’t my fault.

It’s our father’s.

Had he not done what he did, maybe our lives would be very different. But thinking back on maybes doesn’t help you move forward. They keep you stuck in the past. In the pain.

It took fourteen years, but Jericho finally divorced Franklin. That gives me hope for all of us. I don’t tell him that, though. Maybe I should. But I’m not the emotional type, and being that person now would be weird for all of us. I don’t open up to my brothers because I need them to know that I’m okay, even if I’m not. If they just think I’m fine, maybe they’ll be fine too. Only, I think Jericho really will be fine now that he’s moving on. Now that he’s met Miles and is feeling real love for the first time.

“Why did this have to happen to me?” Carter whispers, his hands dropping from his face. He looks at me with tears in his eyes. “What did I do to deserve this? What did he do? He was a good person.”

“That’s the shitty thing about life. You did nothing. But it has to happen to someone.”

Chapter twelve

Carter

Monday morning I get up and get ready like any other day, but I don’t have work today. I need to go down to the precinct to talk to Nash. All weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Friday went. It was a repeat of how I spoke to the cops the first time around. I didn’t give them enough because I was too emotional, which was also on them. Nash didn’t ask enough, and I know it was because of how emotional I was. Just like the first time. So, I need to keep my shit together if I want to help.