Page 124 of Carter

Jericho sighs. “You’re upset. You’re hurting, and I don’t just mean from the bullet. That’s okay. But Carter may never change his mind if he thinks you don’t care about him.”

“He knows I care.”

“But does he know you care enough that you’re hurting yourself just to make him happy?”

I don’t know. Maybe.

I’d like to think not.

I’d like to think that if Carter knew how much this was hurting me, he wouldn’t do it. At the same time, I don’t want him doing something just for me. Because it’s not only about me. It’s about us. Both of us.

“If this isn’t what he wants, I can’t make him want it.”

“But he does want it!”

“You don’t even know him, Jericho,” I huff.

“It’s common sense.”

“Something you have none of, so don’t talk on the matter.”

“Fucking hell, you are stubborn. Just like—”

“Don’t say it.” I close my eyes and take a breath.

“Sorry,” he says quietly. “Sorry, I just meant…”

“I know what you meant.”

There was a time when our parents got along. When my father wasn’t a piece of shit. It was a very short time. Before Hollis. I doubt Jericho remembers any of it, but I do. My mother always made jokes about our father being stubborn, though. Said she was screwed with a house full of boys just like him.

Only we’re not like him. None of us are. Because we would never, ever hurt the person we love.

So why the hell am I sitting here allowing Carter to be hurt?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve turned into a coward.

“I have to go,” I say.

“Take care of yourself. Take it easy. Call me tomorrow.”

“Yeah, sure. Bye.”

I end the call and stare at my cell, wondering if I should call Carter or not.

Chapter forty-two

Carter

“If Ryan were sitting here right now, what would he tell you to do?”

The question repeats in my head over and over. I can’t get it out. I can’t get it to stop. And I can’t fucking answer it either.

I just got home from group. I’m back to work, and back to getting my life on track. Only I’m fooling myself. Lying to myself. Because I’m a fucking mess. And everyone sees it. It’s why Tim asked me the question. Something that has been brought up before. Ryan was always something that had me thinking clearly because I know that he always thought clearly. But this time… it’s hitting me differently. It’s confusing. There isn’t a clear answer.

Only, I think there is. I just don’t want to see it.

I don’t want to accept it.