Page 86 of Lance

She sets the spoon down with a clatter. “Come on, Willa. I fully support you taking this break. You know this. But let’s not pretend you’re doing this to try to figure out what you want to do with your life. You know. You’ve known for as long as I’ve knownyou.”

“And I’m just too scared to do anything about it?” I ask, trying to keep my temper at bay. I don’t want to add a fight with Nia to my list of shitty things to happen thisweek.

“I think you’re too scared to talk to your mom about it, yeah,” she says, her voicequiet.

“I stood up to her about dropping out of school,” I pointout.

“You told her you needed time off so you didn’t get burned out,” she says. “Which lets her believe that when your time off is over, you plan to go right back to what you were doing before.” She pauses. “Is that what you’re going to do? Go back tophysics?”

I don’t say anything for a moment. “I do love science,” I finally blurt out. “It’s not like she forced me into thatfield.”

“I know. But that’s not really the question, is it? The question is, what do you want to do.” She stretches out her leg to nudge me with her toe so that I’ll look at her. “What do you really want to do? Because you can do it, Willa. You can. You’re really lucky, you know?” She smiles. “I know the whole genius girl thing hasn’t always been easy for you. But you’re an adult now. Being a genius has itsadvantages.”

“Likewhat?”

“Like you canliterallydo anything you put your mind to,” she says, rolling her eyes. “You want to be a physicist? You can do that. You want to invent shit? Be a drug researcher? Be an artist? Join NASA? You can do any of those things,Willa.”

I look away, not wanting her to see the doubt that I know is in my eyes. It sounds so easy when she says it like that. Just like it sounded easy when Lance told me I could do anything that night at the club. And look at how that turnedout.

“Hey,” she says, reaching out to squeeze my hand. “You know the only thing that’s ever held you back is a lack ofconfidence.”

“And a crippling fear of disappointing people,” Imutter.

Nia laughs. “Well, that too. But I think they kind of go hand inhand.”

I close my eyes again. “I just wish I knew what todo.”

“About school or aboutLance?”

My stomach swoops. “I don’t think there’s anything I can do aboutLance.”

“Hmm,” she says softly. “That’s the last thing I wouldsay.”

My eyes snap open to look at her. “What do youmean?”

“I’m pretty sure everything we just said about you can apply to that boy.” She shakes her head. “If anyone is suffering from a lack of confidence it’s LanceFoster.”

“And what am I supposed to do aboutit?”

Her eyebrows go up. “What would you want someone to do to helpyou?”

What would I want someone to do to help me? I think about all the times I’ve felt crippled by doubt in my life, terrified I would do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing. How that kept me from making friends. From falling in love. From being happy. What would I want someone to do forme?

What would my life be like now if James had tried to relate to me when we were younger? If, instead of laughing and shaking his head about how smart I was, he really tried to get to know me? Or if my mom had let me decide where I wanted to go to school. If she had told me she’d love me no matter what I studied or how well Idid.

I look over at Nia, the one person who always gave me those gifts. What would my life be like if someone else had treated me the way shedid?

Lance did that, a voice whispered in the back of my head. No matter what he might have said in the heat of our fight, he always made me feel like I could do anything. Like I was worthy of a good and fulllife.

Does he have anyone who does that forhim?

Before I can put any of this into words, Nia is looking at her watch, eyes wide. “Don’t you need to pick upSimon?”

“Shit!” I jump up from the couch, glancing at my own watch. The last thing that kid needs today is to have to wonder where Iam.

Nia walks with me to the door. “Are you gonna be okay?” she asks as I pull on mysweater.

I meet her eyes. “I think so. I’m not sure exactly how, but I thinkso.”

She smiles. “See? You just need a littleconfidence.”