Page 81 of Lance

“I’m right here,” I murmur, brushing her hairback.

“I told you I’mfine.”

“And I told you I don’t believeyou.”

She pushes back a little, glaring. “That’s a shitty thing to say, youknow.”

“I know.” I swallow. “But the thing is, I know how I would feel if I was you. If it was my dad that suddenly showed up and still ignored me.” I look into her blue eyes, seeing the pain there no matter how hard she tries to cover it. “I don’t think I would befine.”

She relaxes then, melting into me as her eyes fill with tears. “What did I dowrong?”

There’s a stabbing pain in my chest at her words, at the broken, needy sound in her voice. “You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t aboutyou.”

She’s quiet for a moment, sniffling softly. When she speaks again her voice is closer to normal. “When I was little, I thought it was because ofme.”

“Him leaving?” She nods against my chest. “I think every little kid with a shitty parent feels that way.” I think back to all the times I got in trouble, of the seemingly constant exhaustion I could see in my mother’s face. “I know I blamed myself for my dadleaving.”

“He always seemed freaked out by me,” she says. “He would play with James, football and catch and stuff. But with me he was…he was always shaking his head when he would see me reading. James and my mom thought it was so funny, that I always used such big words and I could do math and stuff. But he…he would just watch me sometimes, with this look on his face like…” She trails off and I rub her back, not wanting to push her. “He thought I was a freak,” she finallysays.

“You weren’t a freak, Willa. You were a very special, very smart little girl. He should have been proud ofthat.”

“I didn’t realize how strange it was—what I could do— until after he left. That’s…that’s when my mom started getting so interested in my education. When they sent me to that special school, that’s when Iknew.”

“Knewwhat?”

“That I was different from the other kids,” she says, sounding resigned. “And I started to think that maybe that was why he left. Because he didn’t want some weirdo brainiac who couldn’t even make a friend as his daughter. Maybe if I was more like James, he would have stayed. Maybe if I was able to just…have fun, you know? Benormal.”

“A kid shouldn’t have to change in order for their parent to love them,” I say, thinking of my mom and her unwavering steadiness. “I’m sorry he made you feel thatway.”

She snuggles in a little closer and I realize the sniffling has stopped.Look at that, I think.I actually made her feel better. I kiss the top of her head, breathing in the familiar smell of her hair. There are coconuts in the shampoo she uses. I’m pretty sure that scent will always remind me ofher.

“I was six and a half,” she whispers after a moment. “Simon’sage.”

I tighten my arms around her as a strange swooping sensation goes through my stomach. “That’s probably why you attached to him so quickly,” I say, feeling guarded for somereason.

She nods against my chest. “I look at him and I just…I can’t imagine anyone leaving him. How could anyone do that?” She looks up at me, her eyes wide and dark, and that old panicky feeling is returning to mychest.

An hour ago I was wishing he had never come into my life. I was wishing that none of this had ever happened, just so I could go ontour.

But, I realize, as Willa once again snuggles closer, if Simon had never come along I also wouldn’t have Willa. Would I trade this time with her so easily? And what did it say about me, if I was less inclined to give up my girlfriend than my own kid? What kind of an asshole did that makeme?

My girlfriend. I haven’t ever called her that, not even in my own head. Is that what she is? Is that what I want her to be? Suddenly Haylee’s face flashes through my mind, that expression that told me she didn’t think I was good for Willa. Was shewrong?

“I’m so glad Simon has someone like you, Lance,” Willa whispers. “Instead of someone like our assholefathers.”

The guilt floods me so quickly I actually shudder. She shouldn’t be glad Simon has someone like me. Sure I took him in, made some slight rearrangements in my life to fit him in, but I never wanted this. I would have never chosen it. Can I honestly say I’m any better than either of ourfathers?

“Lance,” she asks, her voice concerned. “Are youokay?”

I realize that I’m now the one who has gone rigid. I try to make myself relax, to let my body sink against hers the way it always does when she’s this close, but Ican’t.

“Lance?”

“I’m fine,” I lie, moving to sit up. She’s watching me with a worriedlook.

“Did somethinghappen?”

“No,” I say quickly. “Just goingto—”

I’m saved from having to come up with an excuse by the ringing of my phone. I pull it from my pocket in relief. I don’t recognize the number but I bring it quickly to my ear. “Hello?”

“Lance?” a vaguely familiar voice asks, and my heart starts to beatfaster.

“Yes?”

“Lance, it’s Lynn Cates,” she says, her voice brisk, and my insides turn to water. Angie’s mom. “We need totalk.”

I hang up the phone a few minutes later, feeling numb. “Lance?” Willa asks, and I tear my eyes away from the cell phone in my hand to look ather.

“That was Angie’s mom,” I tell her, the strange numbness spreading into my voice. “She wants to meet withme.”