Page 65 of Lance

I open my eyes. “Comeon.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “Is this about mybrother?”

“What? No. Of course not.” The truth is, I haven’t worried about James once since I chewed him out at the club. I know I probably should, that I should think an awful lot about what he would do if he found out, but it somehow doesn’t seem to matter anymore. There are much bigger reasons for me to say no tothis.

“Then why?” she asks, her voice breaking a little on the last word. It sends a sharp ache through me, knowing I’m hurting her. And isn’t that reason enough to make sure I don’t let it go anyfarther?

“I’m not good for you,Willa.”

She narrows her eyes. “That’sbullshit.”

“It’s not. It’s the truth. You can askanyone—”

“I don’t need to ask anyone! Iknowyou,Lance.”

“You don’t know enough,” I mutter, aware it sounds stubborn.Petulant.

“What don’t I know?” she asks. “What’s so terrible that you can’t even give this a try withme?”

“Willa, I’m messed up, okay?” My temper is rising. I don’t want to have this conversation. “I dropped out of highschool—”

“Oh, bigdeal—”

But I talk right over her. “One of the many, many reasons I dropped out is because I can barely read. Did you know that? I can’t concentrate for longer than a few minutes on just about anything. Do you really think that’s the kind of guy you should be with? You’re a fucking genius,Willa.”

She looks close to tears. “I’m smart enough to know that there are different kinds of intelligence,Lance.”

“Oh, come on. The only thing I’ve ever been good at is playing the damn piano. You can do anything with yourlife—”

“Jesus, Lance, I’m saying that I want to sleep with you, not get marriedtomorrow.”

“You think it would end with us sleeping together?” I ask, taking a step closer. “You think that’s something we do once? And then go back to how itwas?”

She’s breathing fast. “No, I just…I don’t know! I just know that I want totryforsomething.”

“I fail at everything, Willa.” I feel like throwing up. I should have told her to leave with Nia. I should never have let it get this far. “Everything. I was arrested. I stole a fucking car. I had to call my mother—my single mother who worked two jobs just to take care of me—and tell her I neededbail.”

“You were akid—”

“Ihada kid!” I yell, no longer able to keep this seething anger in. It’s been roiling around in my stomach ever since Angie showed up at the hotel and it feels like it might actually break me. “I had a kid and his mom knew I was such a failure that she didn’t even want me to know about it. Think about that, Willa. Think about how fucked up that is. I was with Angie for three years. She knew me better than anyone.” I take a deep, ragged breath. “I was on drugs when she left. Drinking every night. She found out she was pregnant with my son and she ran. What do you think that says aboutme?”

Willa is looking at me with something like pity in her eyes. I hate that look. I turn away, wanting, more than anything else, to leave. To just run. Even knowing that Simon is sleeping down the hall doesn’t change that urge to get out, to escape. Doesn’t that say everything there is to know aboutme?

When Willa speaks, her voice is soft, like she wants to soothe me. “I think Angie is a messed up person,Lance.”

“You’ve never even mether.”

“She left her kid,” she says. “She left him with someonehehad never even met. That doesn’t happen unless there’s something seriously wrong in herlife.”

“Yeah,but—”

“And,” Willa goes on, her voice rising to be heard over me. “Youdidn’t.”

My argument dies on my tongue. “What?”

It’s her turn to take a step toward me. “You didn’t leave him. This huge responsibility fell into your lap, completely derailing your plans at a time when no one would blame you for wanting to do no more than enjoy your success. You could have turned him over to Protective Services. You could have asked your mom to move here. But you didn’t, Lance. You kept him. You moved to the suburbs, for God’s sake. You steppedup.”

“And I let you do all the work,” I snarl, barely recognizing the loathing in my voice. And it’s for me. Every ounce is for me. “I shoved him off onyou—”