Page 44 of Lance

She gives a short, watery laugh. “Luckyhim.”

“I don’t know what to do, Mom,” I blurt out. “I don’t know how to take care of him. I can’t even hold a conversation with him. He just stares at meand—”

“I’d imagine he’s pretty scared right now,Lance.”

“I get that. I’m just—Mom, what do I know about littlekids?”

Her voice sounds less shaky now. “There are only four things a kid absolutely needs—a safe place to live, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and clothes to wear. All the rest of it, all the emotional stuff—you can figure that out as yougo.”

Just like Willa last night, she makes it sound sosimple.

And then she offers to do the very thing I was calling to beg her for. “Why don’t I come out there for a while and help you getsettled.”

I want to say yes. It’s the entire reason I called her—to ask her to come and save me the way she’s done so many times before. But something stops me. Maybe it’s the barely noticeable note of resignation in her voice—she doesn’t want to do this. I know that as sure as I know she’d do it anyways, if I asked. My entire life she’s put me first, even when I didn’t deserve it. She raised me by herself, working multiple jobs to make ends meet. She put up with all the shit I tried to get away with, the discipline problems and the bad grades and my inability to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes. And she never gave up on me, not even when the teachers and school therapistsdid.

And now, for the first time since I showed up, she’s out there concentrating on her own life. As much as I might hate the very idea ofKev, I know that she’s happy. She working on her art, traveling, doing what she always wanted to do. Am I really going to ask her to give that up to come help fix mymistakes?

“No, that’s okay,” I hear myself say, even as my heart drops. Damn it. I picked an inconvenient time to get some fucking integrity. “I don’t want to take you away from thecircuit.”

“Lance—”

“No, really, Mom. I mean, I’ve got some money now, right? I can hire a nanny to help out or something while we figure out what’s going on withAngie.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “You know what, Lance?” she finally says. “I think this might be a really good thing for you.” I can’t help the scathing noise that comes from the back of my throat. “I’m serious!” she argues. “Sometimes responsibility actually helps us, you know. Just look at how much better things started going for you once you had the band counting onyou.”

I wasn’t sure we could really compare being in a rock band with taking care of a kid when it came to being responsible, but I didn’t tell herthat.

“I wasn’t expecting to be a mother at nineteen,” she says, her voice softer. “But it ended up being the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve always wanted you to have that kind ofjoy.”

And I always thought that joy would come from being a successful musician. Not from finding out I had a six-year-old I never knewabout.

“You can call me anytime,” she’s saying when I look up to see Simon standing in the doorway, watching me with those wide, quiet eyes of his. “I can be there in a few hours. Just say theword.”

“I should go,” I tell her. “Thankyou.”

“You can do this, Lance,” she says. “You can do anything.” It’s what she’s told me for as long as I can remember, even when I seemed to be doing my best to prove her wrong. “Call me soon. I loveyou.”

“Love you,too.”

I hang up the phone and stand, facing Simon. “My show’s over,” hesays.

“I have an idea,” I tell him. “This hotel has a pretty nice pool. You likeswimming?”

His face lights up. “Can Willacome?”

Please, God, let her be willing. “Let’s give her acall.”