Page 144 of Good For Me

I manage a wan smile. “Am I that obvious?”

He winces. “From the look of that mascara, I’d say you’ve done some crying tonight.”

I gasp, pressing my hands to my cheeks. I hadn’t even looked in the mirror before running from the house. “River and I got in a fight,” I blurt out and he nods.

“Big life changes bring out some pretty strong emotions.”

I shake my head. “It wasn’t about the baby. Well it was, but more—” I rub my hands over my face. Am I seriously about to spill my guts to River’s grandfather?

A memory of my own grandfather hits me so hard the breath leaves my lungs. He used to sit across from me at the kitchen table just like this, both of us drinking hot chocolate, while he told me about his day at the diner and asked me questions about school.

Fresh tears sting my eyes and mortification fills me. This man is going to think I’m insane.

“You know,” he says softly. “I remember being a little worried when I found out Daltrey and Daisy were having River.”

I look up at him, surprised.

He has a thoughtful look on his face. “Rose was only a year old when they told me they were expecting again. And they were both so young. I worried they were trying to have this big family so fast to compensate for their own shitty childhoods.” He shakes his head, smiling. “I was wrong, of course. They wanted a big family because they were smart enough to realize the second Rose was born that having a kid was the best thing that ever happened to them.”

A tear drips down my cheek and I hurriedly brush it away.

“Shitty childhoods seem like a pretty common theme tonight,” I croak out.

He’s quiet for a moment. “River mentioned you were raised by your grandfather?”

I nod. “My, uh, mom had problems with drugs. Wasn’t around much.” It’s funny how all these years later, those words still bring the sting of shame. Logically I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not the one who made those choices. But emotions don’t always listen to logic.

“Has River ever told you about my first wife?”

I startle a little. I’d completely forgotten he was married before Ruby. He smiles, but the expression looks more sad than anything else.

“I met Rebecca when I was pretty young. Knew she was it from me right from the start. We got married and had the boys right away, one after another.” His eyes get that faraway expression, like he’s watching a scene play out that only he can see. “Leaving her was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was the only way I could protect my boys once I realized she wasn’t willing to give up the drugs.”

I cover my mouth, shocked. “God, I had no idea.”

He nods, expression tight. “I felt like a failure, like I’d given up on her. But the boys had to be my priority.”

I think about my grandfather. What it must have been like to turn his back on his own daughter. That was a sacrifice he made for me. To protect me.

A vague memory rises up, one of the many times my mom had showed up, promising she’d do better. She would stay for a while until inevitably it would become obvious she wasn’t keeping it together. This was one of those nights. I can hear the words I’d tried to make myself forget a long time ago. Words I’d done a pretty damn good job of burying. But not good enough.

“You can’t stay here if you’re high, Mae,” my grandfather said, his voice way heavier than my twelve-year-old self could understand. “I won’t let you around Jasmine like this.”

She left that night. I heard her packing her things. Part of me wanted to run out and beg her not to go. I think I knew, even then, that she wasn’t going to come back this time. But I couldn’t make myself leave the darkness of my bedroom, where I sat curled up in a ball against the door. I was afraid to lose her—but more than that, I was terrified she would bring me with her. And as much as I didn’t want my mother to go, I couldn’t stand the idea of being taken from my grandfather. He was the only security I’d ever had in my life. The only person to really take care of me. To show me that he loved me, in actions as well as in words.

River’s grandpa holds out a napkin and I realize that I’m blinking away tears.

“I thought if I just held on, I would get them through it,” he says. “I didn’t want to think there had already been damage done. That the things that happened when she left could keep screwing them up.” He shrugs. “I was no good at communicating, at trying to fix the emotional shit. My boys are much better at that.” He meets my eyes. “You know, one of the proudest experiences of my life has been watching them be better fathers than I ever was.”

“They’ve done a pretty good job,” I say, voice shaky. “If River is any indication.”

He grins, then his face turns serious. “River will be a good parent because he had a wonderful example in his own parents. My boys are good parents for the opposite reason—they know whatnotto do.”

I let out a shaky breath, understanding what he’s telling me. I can be like his kids were, learning from my parents’ mistakes. I can be better because I know exactly who I don’t want to be.

“Thank you,” I whisper. “I think I needed to hear that.”

He smiles. “Anytime, sweetheart. You’re family now, you know.”